Hello world! It’s almost springtime in Seattle! Can you see it? This will be my seventh spring in this lovely city, and I’m starting to learn some things. First, I’ve learned what a rhododendron bush actually looks like. I saw them when I visited Seattle in May 2010 before moving here, and fell in love with the “exotic-looking” bush, but I had no idea what it was called. Now I can identify one on sight and anticipate what time of year it will bloom.

I’m also learning seasons. Seasons of growth, pruning, death, re-growth. In our yard in particular. For example, March is rose-bush-pruning season. I cut them down to basically nothing, and I usually fear I have killed the poor bushes for certain. April-May is usually full of nice patches of sunny weather with a good amount of rainy patches, leading to a season of great growth. By May, everything gets greener & bigger. Our blackberry bushes exploded, and those rosebushes are four times bigger than they were two months ago.

As the plants thrive, so do the weeds. Everything with roots in the ground has been taking off lately. As I’ve spent time in our yard (which some day I would like to call a garden), God has been teaching me parallels about my heart. I think this is a beautiful thing he does with his creation: teach us about himself and myself through what he’s made.

What’s the parallel between my heart and a garden, you ask? We both have weeds.

Here’s the deal with weeds. When small and new, they are easy to pull out, and there usually aren’t very many of them. A few tugs and they’re out, root and all. When those weeds aren’t uprooted, they grow. When I attempt to uproot the weeds after ignoring them for months, I need some serious equipment and effort & time to get them out. It’s hard work. Roots are deep and widespread, and the weeds have multiplied.

And so it is with my heart. Weeds are like sin. I am a redeemed, blood-bought daughter of Christ, who, while waiting for the appearing of my Savior, still struggles with sin on a daily basis. Because of what Christ has done for me, and because of the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit living in me, I am able to live a holy life filled with good works, as is fitting for God’s family. However, I am in process of putting my sin to death, and will be until Jesus’ return. For the sake of this analogy, let’s call this “putting sin to death” process “weeding”.

Colossians 3 tells Christians to “put to death what is earthly in you”, and to “put on” compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, and above all, love. Ephesians 4 tells Christians to put off the old self and put on the new self. I could keep going, as the New Testament is FULL of exhortation & reminder for Christians on how they are to act now that they are made new in Christ.

It is clear in Scripture what the standard of behavior is for me. Perfection. Complete, utter perfection in my behavior and my heart. Thanks be to Jesus, he won utter and complete perfection for me by his life, death and resurrection over 2000 years ago. Since I now have a perfect record that can never be tarnished, I am free to pursue perfection without condemnation when I fail in this current life while I wait for Jesus’ return.

Pursuing perfection means attacking sin when I see it in my heart and behavior. It doesn’t mean obsessively looking for it, spending the majority of my energy on sin-hunting and killing. Jesus Christ won freedom for me, and I firmly believe part of it is freedom from focusing too much on my sin. It means when the Holy Spirit highlights sin in my life, I confess and repent. Quickly. I do not ignore his promptings. I do not quench his voice by refusing to listen & holding onto the sin. I thank him for being kind to show it to me, for making a way through the cross to be free from sin, for the precious truth that I am not defined by what I do but by what Jesus has done, and I turn from my sin.

Just a note on his promptings. I’ve learned that as I listen to Jesus and seek his face, his voice becomes easy to hear. I learn it, and I know it. It’s gentle, and consistent with Scripture. When I hear his voice and refuse to go where he leads or do what he tells me to do, I am automatically listening to someone else. Myself, or the world, or the enemy. When I do this, it becomes harder to hear his voice. I experience a lot of confusion and no clear direction. God, as a loving Father, begins to yell at his daughter who is straying into danger, just as I yell at my daughter who is disobeying her mother and walking into the road.  I experience consequences from not listening to my Father, who knows best. It’s painful. It’s hard. Don’t ignore the quiet promptings just because they’re quiet. That’s the voice of your Father beside you. Listen to him. Go where he says to go. Do what he says to do. If it’s uncomfortable, do it. It may be uncomfortable because your flesh is complaining. You’re killing your flesh as you turn from your sin and obey Jesus. Do it. It’s life for you.

There are weeds I have let grow for the last two months in our yard. Today I spent over an hour digging & yanking, and I cleared about 1/20 of what needs to be cleared. There’s some serious work to do! If you have serious work to do in your heart, and you’re a child of God, there’s good news for you. Your heart is actually not your own anymore. Jesus has your heart. He is your Gardener. You belong to him. He is with you. He will help you. He has promised to do so, and he cannot break a promise. If you are serious about following Jesus and putting your sin to death, I highly recommend regularly praying David’s prayer in Psalm 139:23-24, and expecting Him to answer. “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. ³ Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.”

John 15:1-4

No, I’m not writing about a fashion trend, or home decor. I was reading Numbers 15, and the Holy Spirit highlighted verses 37-41 for me. God is speaking to Moses and giving the Israelites some beautiful instruction on how to remember his laws. This comes just after the spies give a fearful report of the Promised Land, and the people choose to fear what the spies reported rather than fearing the LORD. God is justly angry, says he will wipe them out and start anew through Moses. Moses intercedes for them, and God listens and relents. Instead of killing them, he tells them they will wander for 40 years in the wilderness before they enter the promised land, and that none who saw his miracles since Egypt would make it there, except for Caleb & Joshua. Such a heart-breaking story. Then the LORD begins to give laws about sacrifices & unintentional sins for the generation who will enter the land. This one is so beautiful:

Vs. 37-41: The LORD said to Moses, “Speak to the people of Israel, and tell them to make tassels on the corners of their garments throughout their generations, and to put a cord of blue on the tassel of each corner. And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the LORD, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after. So you shall remember and do all my commandments, and be holy to your God. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God; I am the LORD your God.”

What jumped out to me was verse 39: “And it shall be a tassel for you to look at and remember all the commandments of the LORD, to do them, not to follow after your own heart and your own eyes, which you are inclined to whore after.”

He is such a loving God. I see that as such loving instruction. I’ve never noticed this part of Numbers before, and I love how the Holy Spirit highlights something for me no matter how many times I’ve read it. He knows his people are sheep. He knows they’re stupid. He knows they whore after their own desires instead of him. He knows they’ll continue in their whoring. He knows that our own heart and eyes do not lead us in His ways. He knows we can’t remember his commandments perfectly, let alone do them perfectly. He lays down the impossible command in verse 40, “So shall you remember and do all my commandments and be holy to your God.”

I can’t do that. I can’t remember and do all his commandments. I can’t be holy. But he tells me to. He told the Israelites to, and I’m pretty sure they struggled with sin just as much as we do. So now what?

Well, at that point in history, Jesus hadn’t come yet. He hadn’t fulfilled the law perfectly for them or us. But this step is crucial: we need to understand God’s law and understand the perfection to which he is calling us. If not, we’ll think we’re good enough in our own eyes. But we don’t determine what’s right or wrong: God does. We don’t decide if we’ve obeyed or not: God does. It is CRUCIAL that we come face to face with the impossible perfection God asks of us, the Law that is written & defined solely by Him. We need to understand that we don’t measure up, and that we never could. We need to know the hopelessness of our sin.

If you know Jesus, you know the story doesn’t end there. Years and years later, Jesus comes, God become man, as a baby, lives perfectly, fulfills that Law perfectly, and dies as the worst of sinners in our place. He became our sin and gave us his righteousness. Did you catch that? 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “For our sake he made him to BE sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” Jesus became our sin. Jesus became the sin of the world. That means God the Father saw God the Son, Jesus, as if he had committed the sins of the world. He became in God’s eyes the worst pedophile, the worst murderer, the most unfaithful, the most hateful, the most revengeful, the worst abusive father, the worst wandering husband. He became the one who hated God and wanted to do things his own way. He became one who wanted to be righteous on his own. He became one who wanted to please people more than he wanted to please God. He became the worst idolater. He did this so that everyone, no matter what you have done, would have no more barriers between them and God. He did this so everyone could experience saving grace in himself, Jesus Christ. He did this because we had no way of saving ourselves. He did this, and not everyone will receive it. But to those who receive it, who know Jesus as their Lord and Savior, it is now as if you have never sinned in God’s eyes. You have Jesus’ perfection, because he took your filth and gave you his perfection. That is the good news of the gospel!

The good news doesn’t stop there. We’re saved by Jesus, and sanctified by him, and called to good works which were prepared beforehand, that we may walk in them (Ephesians 2). We’re adopted into his family, and yet still struggle with sin. He knows that, and this process of sanctification is making us more into Christ’s image. We’re called to imitate Jesus. In no way are we to become lazy and familiar with our sin, because we have died to our sin (Romans 8). Our old self is dead, and our new self is in Christ, and we’re called to put our sin to death. We’re part of a new family now! We WANT to put our sin to death! We don’t want the flesh, and as a Christian, we war with it! This process will never stop, I believe, until Jesus comes back. So get your boots on, and get comfortable with warring against your flesh!

So back to this idea of tassels. The LORD knows how faithless the Israelites will be. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’d do it differently if you were there. Ecclesiastes says there is nothing new under the sun, and I believe we struggle with the same sin that the Israelites do. We fail to love Jesus as we’re called to love him, and we fail to love our neighbor as we’re called to love them. We, too, crave our Egypt, our sins, our comfort, you name it. How absolutely loving and long-suffering of the LORD to give the Israelites guidance! He tells them they are inclined to whore after what their heart desires and what their eyes see. So he gives them a visual reminder on their clothes, something they will see numerous times a day (let’s say they see it an average of 20x a day). So 20 times a day, God gives them a reminder, which to me implies that they need reminding. They’re going to forget to keep God’s commandments 20x a day, or possibly more. They, too, are leaky vessels, who forget God. He knows we are dust, and he makes a way. He makes a way with tassels, and he makes a way with Jesus.

Modern-day tassels. For us, what are they? We’re living not pre-Jesus, as the Israelites were in Numbers 15, but post-Jesus, after his death and resurrection, after the coming of the Holy Spirit of God into his children who love him and trust in Jesus for their righteousness and salvation. Hallelujah! WE, God’s adopted children, are now the temple of the Holy Spirit! Now his law is no longer simply read to us, but written on our hearts! The perfect sacrifice has been made – once for all! No more need of blood shed to pay for sins! If you are a blood-bought child of God the Father, the law has been fulfilled for you. Rejoice and be glad! Remember any works you now do, you do from the power of the Holy Spirit in you, out of gratefulness to your risen Savior. The commandments Jesus fulfilled for us are indeed still our commandments, but instead of obeying them to become righteous, now we obey them because Jesus has made us righteous. We obey because we’ve been forgiven. We obey because we’ve been cleansed. We obey because it is the way of our Father, who loves us and who we love. There is wisdom for us in the tassel reminder, however. Our eyes and heart still incline us to evil. We still see and yearn for our idols. God, is there anything I can put around myself to remind me to keep His commandments and remember how Jesus kept the law perfectly for me when I fail?

Friends, fellow mothers of young children, business women. Did you know there is a battle going on right now, and if you name yourself a follower of Christ, you are in the midst of it?

Did you know that one of the enemy’s tactics to keep you from growing in Christ and reaching the point of dangerously living each day by the mighty power of the Holy Spirit, who raised Jesus from the dead, is to bring your focus on yourself? Subtly, with great reason and some truth mixed in, he seeks to focus your gaze on you. I know from experience.

In my current calling of life, this call to focus on myself goes as follows. Perhaps you can relate. I’m extremely busy all day long. Cleaning, training, straightening out tangles, feeding, soothing, helping, playing. Throughout the day, quietly, in the background, there’s a voice telling me, “Wow. This is such a challenging day. You really are going above and beyond what others in your situation are doing. Just wait until you get a free moment. That movie on Netflix you’ve been planning on seeing is waiting for you, and when you finally get to sit down and watch it…..well, that’s where you’ll finally get some rest.”

Sadly, I have listened to that voice many a time. The kids are finally in bed, and I have bought into the lie mixed with truth, and have become convinced that I need some quiet time. I need to be poured into now. I’ve spent the whole day pouring into others. This movie is just what I need. Everyone needs their down time. This is mine. It’s a harmless film. I just get to check out for awhile. Nothing wrong with that. I’m human, after all, and everyone reaches their breaking point sometime. This down time, watching a movie, is where I will get my rest.

Yes, it’s true that I’m human. It’s true I need to be poured into. It’s true that today has been quite the day. It’s true that a movie can be harmless and entertaining and good. But alas, I have swerved into a self-focused victim mindset, where I am the poor tired mother who needs a break, and I have determined where my rest will come from without running first to my Helper and Sustainer, my Counselor, my Friend, my Lord and my God who loves me so deeply and has a five-course refreshing and replenishing meal waiting for me in Himself and His words instead of the popcorn and Skittles I chose for myself.

Then, turning to movies or fill-in-the-blank becomes normal. It’s every night, or most every spare moment you have. It’s where you seek your rest. You begin putting in worldly junk food when your soul and spirit are craving true sustenance. You begin setting your mind on things of this earth. You begin growing dull to the voice of your Lord, because you don’t stop to listen to him. Your priorities start slowly shifting…almost too quietly and subtly for you to notice. Your appetite for rest, by the way, is never really satiated by that one movie. In fact, often you feel more tired or drawn out after watching, or feel as if you need to watch just one more episode of that show before you go to bed.

And there is your enemy, grinning in glee, because he has succeeded in drawing your eyes down from your glorious and awesome Savior, and your main concern has become filling yourself. He has you completely distracted, numbed out to a life lived by the Spirit for God’s purpose, and you are not a threat to him anymore.

Friends, there is so much more for you! There is a better existence for you! One that is more exciting, more fulfilling, more unpredictable and heart-breaking and joyous. One with eternal rewards. One that seeks to bring glory to the only One who is deserving of it. Do not worry about being fed. Jesus is the Good Shepherd. He takes most excellent care of his sheep. Do not worry about the load. His yoke is easy, and his burden is light. Do not worry about going at it alone. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not worry about missing out. This life is but a breath, and living for the coming life everlasting begins now. We cannot begin to imagine the glories that are awaiting us who are eager for Jesus’ return and living in anticipation of him. Have I said it clearly enough yet? It is so much BETTER to be about God’s work, God’s mission, God’s purposes than to be about our own!

A word to my fellow mothers of young ones: I have been in the above place for at least 3 years. God has faithfully and consistently been calling me out of the numbed-out existence to live by his purposes and priorities. Praise God for his faithfulness to me, and for bringing me out of it. I will still watch the occasional movie or show, but it is no longer what I look forward to when I’m tired. It is no longer my rest. It’s so beautiful, where he has brought me! I actually don’t want to watch those movies or shows anymore! When I’m bone-weary, I would rather open my Bible, or listen to someone preaching through a portion of the Bible (or nap. Naps are good. Naps are glorious, God-given gifts!). God’s words are true food. He gives living water that satisfies. His presence is where I find the greatest comfort. I’ve lost my taste for popcorn and Skittles, and have grown an appetite for richer foods. He has changed my heart. He gave me eyes to see what I was truly doing, and brought me repentance from my self-focused existence. It is still a current battle, but now it is one I am aware of and fighting by the power of the Holy Spirit.

If you are in a place where your diet has been junk food, and you are aware of it and sick of it, but do not know how to stop, if you are a blood-bought child of God through Jesus Christ, I have good news for you. You serve a God who is more powerful than our enemy, and more powerful than your flesh. He lives in you. You are a temple of his Holy Spirit. He who gave life to Jesus Christ will also give life to you. You can fall on your knees before him and ask for his help. Ask for him to give you repentance. Ask to be broken over what breaks his heart. Ask for his priorities. Ask for faith to believe that what he offers is truly better and more satisfying than where you’ve been going for life, meaning and rest. Ask and believe. Turn back to him in faith that he is who he says he is. Eat and drink – he is altogether satisfying and good! Then watch and see what he begins doing through your life.

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Jesus in John 15:5

To Ricky Gervais, in response to your (Atheist) Easter message (article here).

First off, thanks for The Office. I’m a fan.

Second, thank you. I appreciated hearing why you believe you’re a better Christian than most Christians. No sarcasm. I really did appreciate it. Too often I can disconnect and fail to listen to others’ opinions and beliefs, especially if they differ from mine. That’s something I hope will keep changing in me, and that I’ll be more willing to engage in honest dialogue with others.

Why am I writing a response to your article, 5 years after you wrote it? Well, I’m a Christian. 5 years late to the party, I read it a couple days before Easter this year. After reading your article, I was deeply moved. Not deeply moved in the sense that I agree with your entire perspective and interpretations, but I was deeply moved to hear you express what you believe to be true of Christians and why you, as an atheist, are a better one. I was also troubled, because I saw some major gaps in what you describe and what I believe as a Christian. I acknowledge we don’t know each other, and the chance of us sitting down to a frank discussion about our beliefs is almost nonexistent. Nevertheless, I want to put this out there so perhaps you, or someone who thinks similarly to you, may benefit from a different perspective on Christianity. My greatest hope is, of course, that you come to understand how much the God who made you loves you, but I’m sure you’re giggling at this point, and I don’t think me trying to persuade you of that is the best use of our time 🙂

So here it is from my perspective as a Christian.

You are so right on many of your observations. The main ones I remember nodding my head at while reading your article were:

• Terrible, atrocious things have been done in the name of Christianity. You put it as cruelty and prejudice. Yes. This is profoundly wrong and disturbing. I totally agree with you.
• You said one thing you would want to change in this world would be for all mankind to follow Jesus’ words: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Wow. I agree. Wouldn’t that be an amazing world to live in.
• Gandhi’s quote. He said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Yes! Big head nod. I think your observation is spot on. Christians are so unlike their Christ. And this is where I’m going to camp out. Even if you take the “best”, most mature believer in Jesus Christ (however you qualify that), you’ll find they do an imperfect, if not sometimes terrible job representing him. You might get small glimpses of Christlike-ness, but glimpses only.

…And that’s kind of the point of Christianity. That’s the beginning of the “gospel”, or good news Jesus brings. This is where I think you have a gap in your understanding of the Christian faith. Honestly, this is where a lot of Christians have a gap in their understanding of the Christian faith. I did, for at least 19 years of my Christian life. I would hear that quote by Gandhi and feel terribly guilty because I knew he was right and I felt he shouldn’t be. “Darn it all, I should be more like Christ!” I would think, and I would try even harder, which would lead to me being even less like Christ. Then some lights came on. Jesus Christ did not come to this earth (by the way, I believe he was FULLY man and FULLY God) to primarily make people look and act like him, although that happens over time to a degree during a Christian’s life. We call it sanctification: a process where God is constantly making his children more like Jesus. We never reach perfection here on earth, just so you know. Christ came primarily to save sinners. At the end of John 12:47, Jesus says, “I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.” He came primarily to rescue. To heal. To restore. To bind up. To forgive.

The climax of his coming was his death and resurrection from death. His death and resurrection was the rescue. You know those 10 commandments you rated yourself by? In Deuteronomy, there’s a summation of them. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” Later in Matthew 22:37-40, the religious leaders ask Jesus which is the greatest commandment, and Jesus replies by referencing Deuteronomy, saying, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

So, Ricky Gervais, let me ask you. Whom do you love the most? What do you love the most?

From your article, you sound like a fairly nice guy to share the planet with. I know you’re certainly gifted to make people laugh. You don’t kill people, or steal, or commit adultery, or lie. I have a hard time believing you have never done anything wrong according to God’s law, but let’s just roll with it and assume that you’ve done all the good and right things you believe God has told Christians to do.

Here’s the true “quiz”: Do you love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might, with everything you have? Is he your top priority? Is he the one who captivates your heart more than anything or anyone? Is he the one you live for?

I don’t know you from Adam, but I don’t think so.

I don’t love God like that, either.

I don’t believe anyone does. Or ever has. Except one.

One person has done it.

Jesus.

There’s our rescue. There’s our only hope. Only Jesus could stand before God and say, “I’m good.” We are not. I am not. As you observed, in the Bible, the penalty for sin is death. By God’s standard of perfection, we all miss the mark and deserve death.

In the greatest act of love and kindness I could ever imagine, God doesn’t just kill us, consign us to death, write us off, or abandon us. As we run from him, he runs to us. As we hate him, he loves us. Instead of judging us, which Jesus would have a perfect right to do as God’s Son, he comes to save us. God gives of himself, giving us his perfect Son, Jesus, to pay that penalty we owe, for our sake. Takes the punishment we deserve. He’s killed on a Roman cross. Willingly. For us. A perfect sacrifice, once for all. Then, rising from the dead that Sunday morning, he proves his deity and ultimate victory. Everyone who believes in what Jesus has done for them is now considered good by God, even though they still miss the mark. Christians don’t stop sinning when they become Christians. Heaven help us! Most of us don’t immediately become better people, either. You walk in to a Jesus-believing, Bible-preaching church, and it will probably be more of a hospital than a museum. A collection of judgmental, hypocritical, struggling, messed-up people. No, when we become a Christian, we gain a Redeemer and his perfect reputation, and lose our crappy reputation forever.

I don’t know, Mr. Gervais, the Christians you’ve come in contact with. I don’t know your story. It’s not worth me trying to guess, either. Just let me say this. A true Christian clings to Jesus’ death and resurrection as his or her only hope of goodness in this life. Not their own actions. As you so rightly observe, our actions condemn us. We fail often. We judge. We quickly forget how loved we are. We fail to keep Jesus’ words as we should. We hurt others. We break those 10 commandments like nobody’s business. No, we are not good images of Christ. And striving to be a better image through our own efforts only leads to less Christlike-ness.

I’m not a Christian because I’m betting that I have a 50/50 chance of life with God after death. Jesus’ resurrection is all the proof I need that I’m going to rise with him. My life is tied with his now. I’m certainly not a Christian because I’m good. I’m a Christian because I’m bad and I have a great Savior who gave me his goodness. My actions, now that I believe and trust in Jesus’ work for me, no longer condemn me or make me good. Follow me around for day, and you’ll see me do many things that God says are wrong for a Christian to do. I hate it, Mr. Gervais. I hate it when I do those things. Don’t get me wrong. It grieves my heart that I fail to keep Jesus’ words. But just like when I met Jesus and admitted I couldn’t be good on my own, 25 years later, when I covet my friend’s more comfortable life, I run to Jesus because I still can’t be good on my own. I remember he took my punishment. I remember he gave me his goodness. I remember he loves me enough to die for me. No matter what I do or don’t do. Nothing can change that. Ever.

That’s what I cling to every time I fail. That’s what I humbly need to remember when I think I’m good enough on my own. Jesus is my life. He’s my sustaining power. He’s my comfort. He’s my perfect friend. He’s my ever-present help. His love is the kind that can’t be captured in mere words. There aren’t enough to express who he is and what he has done.

No, the Bible isn’t inconsistent. The more I read it, the more amazed I am at how consistent and connected it is. It’s only open for interpretation when you decide you have the right to edit it. I assume we differ here because you don’t believe in God, and I do. I shiver even considering putting myself in the editing chair of God’s words. No thanks! I think He did it much much better than I could. And intolerant? Well, yes, in a way. God in the Bible is incredibly intolerant of sin. He hates it. It mucked up the perfect world he created for us to enjoy. But God in the Bible is incredibly tolerant of people. He’s the most forgiving, patient, loving, giving Being I could ever imagine. Well beyond my human capacity to understand.  The tiny peek I’ve gotten of God, the miniscule amount I understand of him, brings me to my knees in grateful worship of him.

My 10-month-old son taught me something about God’s heart for his children today. He just learned to crawl, and it looks something like a gimp: one leg in normal crawling position, and one straight out to the side. I love it 🙂

He was playing near me on the kitchen floor. I was also on the floor, on my face praying. He caught me eye, giggled, gimp-crawled the few feet to me, and began grasping for my hands so he could stand. Without waiting to see if I was ready, if I would catch him, he simply threw all his weight from the floor into me, fully trusting that I would be there to help him stand and walk. If I didn’t stop what I was doing to respond, he would have fallen on his face.

I saw his childlike faith that his mommy loved him, wanted to help him, would help him if he put himself in her hands. It just wasn’t a question for him. He trusted me, and I saw it because he DID it. He did an act of faith. “Do I trust my heavenly Father like that?” I wondered. Do I unquestioningly, with no hesitation, in the good and the bad, throw myself into his arms, knowing He has always loved me and will always help me?

No, I don’t. Sometimes I doubt His character and don’t trust Him. But that’s not the point. Of course I don’t. I still sin and fail to trust my Savior and my God. Whether I fail or trust, my Father is here with me. My track record isn’t the point, because He is faithful to catch me, to help me, to call me back when I stray, to encourage me, to rebuke me when I am stubborn. Because I am his daughter. Because he is my Father. Because His love for me is constant. Because He is only good. Because He is sovereign.

Because God alone is completely trustworthy.

Whether I trust him or not, this is always true of him, and as I get to know his character, it drives me to worship and trust. God is the main point here. Any change in my trust of him will happen as I pursue intimacy with Jesus and get to know my God (aka abiding with him). Thank God, He changes me. I can’t change myself.

If I, an imperfect mother, love my child enough to catch him, imagine a perfect Father’s heart for his kid. 1 Corinthians 1:25 says God’s weakness is greater than man’s strength, and his foolishness is greater than man’s wisdom. I imagine the same is true of his love.

My eyes have recently turned to social media in a new way, thanks to a Matt Chandler sermon. He mentioned how social media is a great way to portray only the “best” or most attractive parts about your life. This hit home! How easy it is, indeed, for me to snap a picture when Greg and I are on a date and a happy one, at that! The caption would most likely read, “Out on a date with my beloved! Loving life with him!” or something equally as warm and fuzzy. However, on a different date night, when one fight seems to lead to the next, and I’m having trouble forgiving him because he did the unthinkable and parked too far away from the restaurant….well, let’s say I’m not eager to pull out my phone and let Facebook-world know how unrighteously upset I am.

Because I know I’m wrong. I know I’m sinning. I know I’m being unnecessarily crabby.

Furthermore, I don’t want other people to know my junk.

I post what I want, when I want. I show you pictures only of what I want to show you pictures of. It is so easy for me to simply display what’s looking good in my life: a clean house, cute kid, a sunny day at the park, a funny moment that makes others laugh, a great quote, how much I love my husband or a friend, the flowers given to me on my birthday. There is something inside me that wants to brag about the “good-looking” stuff and hide the ugly stuff. Sound familiar? I don’t jump off the couch to show you the 5 loads of laundry on our bedroom floor, the 2 poopy diapers & pee-covered rug, the “haven’t washed my hair in 5 days” look, the tearful collapse after a trying day, the most recent fight with my husband, the occasional longings for a different set of circumstances. The “ugly” stuff doesn’t get displayed. Why?

Well, first of all, I’m sure you don’t want or need to see the diapers I change, or any other unnecessarily gross things that come my way. There’s just some basic wisdom about online posting and what you choose to share.

Also, we need to acknowledge that there is a correct context for sharing your “junk” (the kind that has nothing to do with bodily fluids of young children). Being fully & truly known does not happen over the internet, nor should it. It happens as you live life honestly & openly in relationship with other people. Even within our relationships, few people get to our inner circle and know the true nitty gritty of our souls.

There’s good, though, in searching out the why in my tendency to hide the mess and promote the good-looking. I think Genesis 3 gives us a good idea why I hide the ugly, and why you may hide your ugly. Preface: Adam and Eve just sinned for the first time against God. They ate what they were told not to eat. They desired to be like God. This is the entrance of sin into a perfect world. Let’s read:

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.” (Genesis 3:7-8, ESV)

Here is some of my ugly. I have hidden because I have sin and I know it, and sometimes I am ashamed. I hide because I want others to think well of me. I hide because I care more about people’s opinions of me than I care about the Lord’s. I hide because I forget. I forget that as God’s daughter, I need no fig leaves to cover my nakedness or shame because I wear white robes of righteousness given to me by Jesus. My eyes drop from Jesus and get consumed with others around me.

Oh Jesus, it’s so simple when my gaze is fixed on you!

In the spirit of honesty and unashamed living, though I know you will not fully or truly know me in Facebook world, I would like to welcome you to my living room on a Friday afternoon. Come as you are! See how we live!

 

I think that plate holds the remains of breakfast from at least 7 hours ago!

I am not a perfect Christian, wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, women’s ministry leader, or woman. Far from it! I apologize for any ways I have tried to portray myself as such. However, let me take this moment to remember what is true, and listen in if you’d like.

In the midst of my flaws, I AM God’s daughter, perfectly righteous in his eyes, and I’m being made into Christ-likeness day after day as I abide in Christ and choose obedience to Him. Yes, I fail, just as my daughter currently fails at walking over objects in her path. And yes, I have a good Father, who picks me up when I fall, dusts me off, sets me on my feet, holds my hand, and tells me to keep going, and that He always walks with me.

I don’t need to stress about the ways I fail. Jesus perfectly succeeded where I did not. For me. On my behalf.

I don’t need to hide when I sin. Jesus bought me forever-right-ness with God. My current sin does not and can never touch my perfect right-ness. I can never lose my standing as his beloved daughter, pure and perfect before him.

I don’t need to strive to sin less, or to be better at (fill in the blank). I am not the fruit producer; I am a branch. I am to abide in Jesus, the vine, who will produce the fruit through me. I rest. I lean into Jesus. I pray. I run to him when I fail. I listen to his voice. I do life with my Father who delights in me.

“You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” -Isaiah 26:3

 

My sweet daughter, Gracie, is a blessing. She loves to kiss, cuddle, draw, read, play chase Gracie around the house, and routinely melts our hearts. Many times she is a reminder of God’s grace to us (one of the reasons she got the name she did). Many times through her we are reminded that all are born sinful, that as sweet and innocent as she seems, she is a sinner like the rest of mankind. We love her dearly and are blessed to be her parents.

God used her today to remind me of something. While I was changing her brother’s diaper, she somehow got hold of a pen and began scribbling on our loveseat cushions. Now, I need to tell you something about myself. I love things that look nice. I don’t necessarily mean expensive things. I like it when towels are folded, when curtains hang straight, when crumbs are picked up off the floor, when things are orderly and neat. One of my favorite parts of the day is at night after the kids are down. Greg and I come upstairs and straighten the house, so the next morning I have at least 2 minutes of neat & clean before the kids are let loose. This particular loveseat is in a corner of our house with a large window facing the mountains and the Puget Sound. At the right time with the right weather, you can see snow-capped mountains, perhaps a glorious sunset, all from the loveseat. It’s one of the cozy places in the house for me, and I commonly spend time with my Bible there. Do you get where I’m coming from? Do you hear how I appreciate cleanliness & “my” cozy corner? These scribbles directly messed with something I love and enjoy.

I turn around from changing Caleb’s diaper and see the scribbles and my daughter holding a pen with the “I know I did something wrong” look on her face. I also see the loveseat desecrated. Black scribbles are pronounced across the side corner of the loveseat and one of the cushions. Here’s what goes on in my heart, before I address my daughter: “Oh no! I have no idea how to get pen out of microfiber! Is it possible? Can I google it? I’m upset! I hate that the loveseat looks dirty & used now! I can’t fix it! We can’t afford to buy a new loveseat for years. I am going to have to stare at these ugly scribbles for years.”

I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. I’m angry. What do I do with it? Jesus led me to pray for help at that moment, and I’m so thankful for that. Grace was crying pretty hard when I called her over, and it took a few minutes, but she finally calmed down and we were able to address the “no-no” and reconcile. She then went down for a nap, and I went back upstairs and stared at the scribbles that I’m pretty sure won’t come out.

I prayed again, because I was having a hard time forgiving my daughter. I cried and asked Jesus to help me see the scribbles through His eyes and His perspective. I told Him I knew it was just a couch, but I’m weak and need help believing it.

Oh, what a sweet answer He brought me! Within the next 10 minutes, He was faithful to answer that prayer. Those scribbles are like sin. Our sin, my sin, Grace’s sin. We scribble and stain our lives, and there’s no amount of scrubbing, stain removal products, vacuums, or fancy cleaning strategies that will remove those stains from our lives. Religion (or Pinterest) tells us to scrub hard and do the right thing to be clean. It simply doesn’t work. Not one of us can make ourselves clean again, just like I can’t remove pen from microfiber. Our lives are sin-stained, and our only hope is Jesus Christ. He alone can remove our sin-stained garments and give us white robes of His righteousness. He alone can remove our sin-stained heart and give us a new one. He alone can fully cleanse, restore, renew, and redeem us.

These scribbles, which were first an annoyance, are now a precious reminder to me of Jesus’ cleansing & righteousness given to His children. I can’t wait until Grace is old enough for me to tell her the story of the scribbles on our loveseat. What a gift! A beautiful reminder, permanently etched (I hope!) in our microfiber loveseat of Jesus’ ridiculously amazing love for His children. I’m a thankful mama tonight!

 

Ahh, wisdom. I hear it comes to those who seek it and ask for it. I believe last night God gave me a bit of married-woman wisdom. It was hilarious, and beautiful, and I don’t want to forget it.

Greg (my husband) has been working long hours for the last 6-8 weeks. He’s working to help open a restaurant. It’s temporary, and we both agreed it was a good decision, and that it would take sacrifice for both of us. Because of this, he’s often tired when he comes home at night. Of course, the kids don’t adjust their schedules based on ours, so we still face the typical diapers, supper, & bedtime routines every night.

Last night, after changing our youngest, we put him down with his sister. Closing the door, I had a somewhat regular feeling surge through my body: relief. “We’re DONE! They’re asleep!” In my excitement, I pulled Greg into our bedroom and began kissing him. Greg had a confusing response. He kissed me back, but let’s just say he was choosing to stay at the beginning of the ride instead of proceeding forward. In my mind, I thought this was a beautiful opportunity for us to enjoy time together, and I didn’t understand what could be wrong. I pulled back and looked at him questioningly. He smiled and said, “Sometimes it’s hard to be romantic when you’re holding a dirty diaper.”

I collapsed laughing as he went to the diaper pail and disposed of the pee-soaked diaper he was holding in his right hand. Lesson learned, Melissa! When initiating romantic time with your husband, first check BOTH his hands to ensure dirty diapers are where they belong!

I love my church. I’ve learned so much from our pastors, the deacons & leaders, and the people who call it home. Let me first credit God for the teaching, for I believe the Holy Spirit chose at each moment to open my eyes to the truths in the Bible. I believe He put the connections together for me, just as He opened the eyes of two of his followers to the truths in Scripture concerning himself (Luke 24:13-27). I also believe we will never reach the end of understanding God and His story, as He is eternal & unsearchable (Isaiah 40:28, Ephesians 3:8).

My eyes are being opened to understand service in a new way. My old understanding was this: Jesus came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Matthew 20:28). Since he served us, we also should serve. I believed service to Jesus is what we do for him. I believed it’s however you choose to serve your local church (kid’s ministry, teaching, welcome team, ushers, community group leadership, counseling, women’s ministry, etc.). It’s how we choose to use our time. It’s loving others around us.

What I’m coming to understand is these various acts of service, while part of how we as God’s children serve him, are not the primary act of service. I hope & pray I don’t get lost in semantics here. Let me propose that the primary way we serve Christ is loving him, treasuring him above all things, desiring him and his glory above all else. The primary way we serve Christ is with our hearts, not with our actions. Our heart precedes our actions. I do not want to separate heart & actions, because James does state that “faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead” (James 2:17). However, I want to remember that it’s possible to do good-looking acts of service with impure motives. For example: I could serve at church every week in order to please people, because I’m too afraid of telling someone no. I could volunteer at a needy ministry in town because I feel guilty about not giving more of myself to others. I could counsel others because of how good it makes me feel to have the “right answer”. It’s possible to do these good-looking acts of service, presumably for Jesus but in reality for myself or to please others.

Our heart precedes our actions. We do what we love. If we love ourselves, we’ll do whatever we can for ourselves. If we love Jesus, our actions will flow from that love, and all we do will be motivated by that love. When I say “love Jesus”, I mean love & desire him above all else. Above your comfort, your marital status, pleasures, self, ultimately above your own life. He is what you want more than anything. He is the one you run to for comfort. He is the one you rejoice with in celebration. He is the one you can’t do without.

Let me go to a higher authority than myself, for I know I am flawed and in need of my Savior. What does the Bible say about this?

• Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?”Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:28-29, ESV)
• John 15. The whole chapter, but in particular, verse 4: “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.”

Oh, I could write for hours about those verses! Let’s summarize what they’re saying:

1. The work of God, according to Jesus, is believing in Jesus.
2. We have no power to produce fruit, or good works, on our own. We must abide in Jesus, the vine, who produces the good work through us, the branches. A good friend, James Noriega, the pastor who married us, put it like this. We’re a garden hose. We have no ability to produce the water. We channel it and spray it out, but the water does not come from us. So it is with fruit, with kingdom work.

So the work is fighting to believe Jesus. We forget often, so we must fight to believe. We must be reminded over and over about the gospel of Jesus Christ. We never outgrow it. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We are saved by Jesus Christ, and daily we need reminders of Jesus’ work on our behalf. We fight to remember that we are righteous because Jesus gave us his righteousness and took our filth. We fight to remember that in our rebellion and our failure to give God the glory due him, he saved us. We fight to remember Jesus’ words on the cross: “It is finished.”, meaning the sacrifices, work, and striving to be in right relationship with God is over. We fight to get low, to humble ourselves, and to remember all God requires of us to be saved is to fall and say, “I need a savior, and you, Jesus, are it.” We fight to remember how forgiven we are when we struggle to forgive others. We fight to remember how loved we are when we struggle to love the unlovable. We fight to remember how blessed we are when we struggle through pain, unwanted circumstances, broken relationships, and the effects of living in a sinful world. We fight to remember what’s to come, and that our hope is not in this life but in the life to come.

We fight to remember Jesus’ words, and God’s story, and his redemption, and the love & grace & sovereignty of our God. We fight because as we remember Jesus, we realign to his work and his desires and his mission and his heart. As we fight, we draw close to Jesus, and we become more and more like him. Have you noticed the more we spend time with someone, the more like them we become?

Jesus is faithful. His Holy Spirit lives in us. He will accomplish his work. Period. So fight to believe in Jesus, and in doing so, you are doing the work of God.