My sweet daughter, Gracie, is a blessing. She loves to kiss, cuddle, draw, read, play chase Gracie around the house, and routinely melts our hearts. Many times she is a reminder of God’s grace to us (one of the reasons she got the name she did). Many times through her we are reminded that all are born sinful, that as sweet and innocent as she seems, she is a sinner like the rest of mankind. We love her dearly and are blessed to be her parents.

God used her today to remind me of something. While I was changing her brother’s diaper, she somehow got hold of a pen and began scribbling on our loveseat cushions. Now, I need to tell you something about myself. I love things that look nice. I don’t necessarily mean expensive things. I like it when towels are folded, when curtains hang straight, when crumbs are picked up off the floor, when things are orderly and neat. One of my favorite parts of the day is at night after the kids are down. Greg and I come upstairs and straighten the house, so the next morning I have at least 2 minutes of neat & clean before the kids are let loose. This particular loveseat is in a corner of our house with a large window facing the mountains and the Puget Sound. At the right time with the right weather, you can see snow-capped mountains, perhaps a glorious sunset, all from the loveseat. It’s one of the cozy places in the house for me, and I commonly spend time with my Bible there. Do you get where I’m coming from? Do you hear how I appreciate cleanliness & “my” cozy corner? These scribbles directly messed with something I love and enjoy.

I turn around from changing Caleb’s diaper and see the scribbles and my daughter holding a pen with the “I know I did something wrong” look on her face. I also see the loveseat desecrated. Black scribbles are pronounced across the side corner of the loveseat and one of the cushions. Here’s what goes on in my heart, before I address my daughter: “Oh no! I have no idea how to get pen out of microfiber! Is it possible? Can I google it? I’m upset! I hate that the loveseat looks dirty & used now! I can’t fix it! We can’t afford to buy a new loveseat for years. I am going to have to stare at these ugly scribbles for years.”

I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. I’m angry. What do I do with it? Jesus led me to pray for help at that moment, and I’m so thankful for that. Grace was crying pretty hard when I called her over, and it took a few minutes, but she finally calmed down and we were able to address the “no-no” and reconcile. She then went down for a nap, and I went back upstairs and stared at the scribbles that I’m pretty sure won’t come out.

I prayed again, because I was having a hard time forgiving my daughter. I cried and asked Jesus to help me see the scribbles through His eyes and His perspective. I told Him I knew it was just a couch, but I’m weak and need help believing it.

Oh, what a sweet answer He brought me! Within the next 10 minutes, He was faithful to answer that prayer. Those scribbles are like sin. Our sin, my sin, Grace’s sin. We scribble and stain our lives, and there’s no amount of scrubbing, stain removal products, vacuums, or fancy cleaning strategies that will remove those stains from our lives. Religion (or Pinterest) tells us to scrub hard and do the right thing to be clean. It simply doesn’t work. Not one of us can make ourselves clean again, just like I can’t remove pen from microfiber. Our lives are sin-stained, and our only hope is Jesus Christ. He alone can remove our sin-stained garments and give us white robes of His righteousness. He alone can remove our sin-stained heart and give us a new one. He alone can fully cleanse, restore, renew, and redeem us.

These scribbles, which were first an annoyance, are now a precious reminder to me of Jesus’ cleansing & righteousness given to His children. I can’t wait until Grace is old enough for me to tell her the story of the scribbles on our loveseat. What a gift! A beautiful reminder, permanently etched (I hope!) in our microfiber loveseat of Jesus’ ridiculously amazing love for His children. I’m a thankful mama tonight!

Ahh, wisdom. I hear it comes to those who seek it and ask for it. I believe last night God gave me a bit of married-woman wisdom. It was hilarious, and beautiful, and I don’t want to forget it.

Greg (my husband) has been working long hours for the last 6-8 weeks. He’s working to help open a restaurant. It’s temporary, and we both agreed it was a good decision, and that it would take sacrifice for both of us. Because of this, he’s often tired when he comes home at night. Of course, the kids don’t adjust their schedules based on ours, so we still face the typical diapers, supper, & bedtime routines every night.

Last night, after changing our youngest, we put him down with his sister. Closing the door, I had a somewhat regular feeling surge through my body: relief. “We’re DONE! They’re asleep!” In my excitement, I pulled Greg into our bedroom and began kissing him. Greg had a confusing response. He kissed me back, but let’s just say he was choosing to stay at the beginning of the ride instead of proceeding forward. In my mind, I thought this was a beautiful opportunity for us to enjoy time together, and I didn’t understand what could be wrong. I pulled back and looked at him questioningly. He smiled and said, “Sometimes it’s hard to be romantic when you’re holding a dirty diaper.”

I collapsed laughing as he went to the diaper pail and disposed of the pee-soaked diaper he was holding in his right hand. Lesson learned, Melissa! When initiating romantic time with your husband, first check BOTH his hands to ensure dirty diapers are where they belong!

I love my church. I’ve learned so much from our pastors, the deacons & leaders, and the people who call it home. Let me first credit God for the teaching, for I believe the Holy Spirit chose at each moment to open my eyes to the truths in the Bible. I believe He put the connections together for me, just as He opened the eyes of two of his followers to the truths in Scripture concerning himself (Luke 24:13-27). I also believe we will never reach the end of understanding God and His story, as He is eternal & unsearchable (Isaiah 40:28, Ephesians 3:8).

My eyes are being opened to understand service in a new way. My old understanding was this: Jesus came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Matthew 20:28). Since he served us, we also should serve. I believed service to Jesus is what we do for him. I believed it’s however you choose to serve your local church (kid’s ministry, teaching, welcome team, ushers, community group leadership, counseling, women’s ministry, etc.). It’s how we choose to use our time. It’s loving others around us.

What I’m coming to understand is these various acts of service, while part of how we as God’s children serve him, are not the primary act of service. I hope & pray I don’t get lost in semantics here. Let me propose that the primary way we serve Christ is loving him, treasuring him above all things, desiring him and his glory above all else. The primary way we serve Christ is with our hearts, not with our actions. Our heart precedes our actions. I do not want to separate heart & actions, because James does state that “faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead” (James 2:17). However, I want to remember that it’s possible to do good-looking acts of service with impure motives. For example: I could serve at church every week in order to please people, because I’m too afraid of telling someone no. I could volunteer at a needy ministry in town because I feel guilty about not giving more of myself to others. I could counsel others because of how good it makes me feel to have the “right answer”. It’s possible to do these good-looking acts of service, presumably for Jesus but in reality for myself or to please others.

Our heart precedes our actions. We do what we love. If we love ourselves, we’ll do whatever we can for ourselves. If we love Jesus, our actions will flow from that love, and all we do will be motivated by that love. When I say “love Jesus”, I mean love & desire him above all else. Above your comfort, your marital status, pleasures, self, ultimately above your own life. He is what you want more than anything. He is the one you run to for comfort. He is the one you rejoice with in celebration. He is the one you can’t do without.

Let me go to a higher authority than myself, for I know I am flawed and in need of my Savior. What does the Bible say about this?

• Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?”Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:28-29, ESV)
• John 15. The whole chapter, but in particular, verse 4: “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.”

Oh, I could write for hours about those verses! Let’s summarize what they’re saying:

1. The work of God, according to Jesus, is believing in Jesus.
2. We have no power to produce fruit, or good works, on our own. We must abide in Jesus, the vine, who produces the good work through us, the branches. A good friend, James Noriega, the pastor who married us, put it like this. We’re a garden hose. We have no ability to produce the water. We channel it and spray it out, but the water does not come from us. So it is with fruit, with kingdom work.

So the work is fighting to believe Jesus. We forget often, so we must fight to believe. We must be reminded over and over about the gospel of Jesus Christ. We never outgrow it. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We are saved by Jesus Christ, and daily we need reminders of Jesus’ work on our behalf. We fight to remember that we are righteous because Jesus gave us his righteousness and took our filth. We fight to remember that in our rebellion and our failure to give God the glory due him, he saved us. We fight to remember Jesus’ words on the cross: “It is finished.”, meaning the sacrifices, work, and striving to be in right relationship with God is over. We fight to get low, to humble ourselves, and to remember all God requires of us to be saved is to fall and say, “I need a savior, and you, Jesus, are it.” We fight to remember how forgiven we are when we struggle to forgive others. We fight to remember how loved we are when we struggle to love the unlovable. We fight to remember how blessed we are when we struggle through pain, unwanted circumstances, broken relationships, and the effects of living in a sinful world. We fight to remember what’s to come, and that our hope is not in this life but in the life to come.

We fight to remember Jesus’ words, and God’s story, and his redemption, and the love & grace & sovereignty of our God. We fight because as we remember Jesus, we realign to his work and his desires and his mission and his heart. As we fight, we draw close to Jesus, and we become more and more like him. Have you noticed the more we spend time with someone, the more like them we become?

Jesus is faithful. His Holy Spirit lives in us. He will accomplish his work. Period. So fight to believe in Jesus, and in doing so, you are doing the work of God.

A godly older woman once told me during my single years that if I were to be married, one of the best ways I could bless my husband was  to bless him with godliness. I remember nodding and thinking, “That sounds great!”. I didn’t understand why that would be such a blessing to him, nor did I expect her to tell me that. I thought it might be something in the “have sex often” category (though we talked about that, too!).

She was right. I’m almost 3 years into marriage, and I’ve been recently convicted of this. If I am not loving the Lord Jesus with my whole heart, putting my idols aside and seeking to love & serve Him only, then our marriage is profoundly affected. Instead of being passionate about Jesus’ work in our lives, I become passionate about constructing my own Eden: a clean & organized house with 2 kids under 2, yummy & nutritious meals made on time every night, obedient toddler & napping-well infant, laundry folded (not just washed), and a husband who comes home intent only on serving me and my needs. Basically, I become self-centered.

There’s a sad side to my selfishness, too. I usually try to justify my selfishness with biblical reasons. I become self-righteous and judgmental. I ignore the junk going on in my own heart and instead try to point out my husband’s specks. Sometimes he doesn’t see it coming, and I can distract him from asking me what’s going on in my heart. Thankfully, God loves me too much to let me get away with this.

It’s a blessing to my husband when I pursue godliness. It’s a blessing to my family and my friends. It’s a blessing to me. Yes, it’s a death to self. It hurts to say no to what my flesh wants, and sometimes it feels like going through the actions while I’m waiting for my heart to change and actually desire what God is inviting me into. But the beautiful truth Jesus tells us in John 12:24 says, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” Fruit for God’s kingdom, not mine. Fruit for His glory, not mine. Fruit for His purposes, not mine. May I grow to desire what He wants, and nothing else.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. (John 15:16, ESV)

Though I prayed & invited Jesus into my heart, I did not choose him. He chose me. 

Jesus did not choose me so I could feed my flesh and seek after what I want. He chose me for his purpose: that I should go and bear fruit for his kingdom. I have been selfishly tending my own purposes lately. I fight against the very things God puts in my life to sanctify me. I fight against motherhood & the death to self that it is. I fight for what I think will give me rest (TV shows, sleep, pleasantly-acting kids). 

God has been clearly speaking to me, asking me to do some very specific things. I have not obeyed him, and it weighs on me. I don’t want to disobey anymore. Jesus, I want to obey you, even if it means my flesh dies. Help me through the death. I understand death hurts, and I want to kill my flesh. Please help me. 

God has told me to:

• Be in the Bible every day, whenever I get those quick quiet moments. Jesus has been faithful to me, that even with two young kids, he can use two quiet minutes to speak to me. 
• Listen to sermons while I’m busy around the house instead of putting TV shows on. This helps train my mind to be thinking of God’s purposes and dwelling on God’s word and not my own desires.
• Keep memorizing Scripture. Keep my notecards out, in the bathroom, on the kitchen counter, wherever I will see them. Work on memorizing Scripture.

My Father knows what’s best for me, and these are loving commandments from him.