My 10-month-old son taught me something about God’s heart for his children today. He just learned to crawl, and it looks something like a gimp: one leg in normal crawling position, and one straight out to the side. I love it 🙂

He was playing near me on the kitchen floor. I was also on the floor, on my face praying. He caught me eye, giggled, gimp-crawled the few feet to me, and began grasping for my hands so he could stand. Without waiting to see if I was ready, if I would catch him, he simply threw all his weight from the floor into me, fully trusting that I would be there to help him stand and walk. If I didn’t stop what I was doing to respond, he would have fallen on his face.

I saw his childlike faith that his mommy loved him, wanted to help him, would help him if he put himself in her hands. It just wasn’t a question for him. He trusted me, and I saw it because he DID it. He did an act of faith. “Do I trust my heavenly Father like that?” I wondered. Do I unquestioningly, with no hesitation, in the good and the bad, throw myself into his arms, knowing He has always loved me and will always help me?

No, I don’t. Sometimes I doubt His character and don’t trust Him. But that’s not the point. Of course I don’t. I still sin and fail to trust my Savior and my God. Whether I fail or trust, my Father is here with me. My track record isn’t the point, because He is faithful to catch me, to help me, to call me back when I stray, to encourage me, to rebuke me when I am stubborn. Because I am his daughter. Because he is my Father. Because His love for me is constant. Because He is only good. Because He is sovereign.

Because God alone is completely trustworthy.

Whether I trust him or not, this is always true of him, and as I get to know his character, it drives me to worship and trust. God is the main point here. Any change in my trust of him will happen as I pursue intimacy with Jesus and get to know my God (aka abiding with him). Thank God, He changes me. I can’t change myself.

If I, an imperfect mother, love my child enough to catch him, imagine a perfect Father’s heart for his kid. 1 Corinthians 1:25 says God’s weakness is greater than man’s strength, and his foolishness is greater than man’s wisdom. I imagine the same is true of his love.

My eyes have recently turned to social media in a new way, thanks to a Matt Chandler sermon. He mentioned how social media is a great way to portray only the “best” or most attractive parts about your life. This hit home! How easy it is, indeed, for me to snap a picture when Greg and I are on a date and a happy one, at that! The caption would most likely read, “Out on a date with my beloved! Loving life with him!” or something equally as warm and fuzzy. However, on a different date night, when one fight seems to lead to the next, and I’m having trouble forgiving him because he did the unthinkable and parked too far away from the restaurant….well, let’s say I’m not eager to pull out my phone and let Facebook-world know how unrighteously upset I am.

Because I know I’m wrong. I know I’m sinning. I know I’m being unnecessarily crabby.

Furthermore, I don’t want other people to know my junk.

I post what I want, when I want. I show you pictures only of what I want to show you pictures of. It is so easy for me to simply display what’s looking good in my life: a clean house, cute kid, a sunny day at the park, a funny moment that makes others laugh, a great quote, how much I love my husband or a friend, the flowers given to me on my birthday. There is something inside me that wants to brag about the “good-looking” stuff and hide the ugly stuff. Sound familiar? I don’t jump off the couch to show you the 5 loads of laundry on our bedroom floor, the 2 poopy diapers & pee-covered rug, the “haven’t washed my hair in 5 days” look, the tearful collapse after a trying day, the most recent fight with my husband, the occasional longings for a different set of circumstances. The “ugly” stuff doesn’t get displayed. Why?

Well, first of all, I’m sure you don’t want or need to see the diapers I change, or any other unnecessarily gross things that come my way. There’s just some basic wisdom about online posting and what you choose to share.

Also, we need to acknowledge that there is a correct context for sharing your “junk” (the kind that has nothing to do with bodily fluids of young children). Being fully & truly known does not happen over the internet, nor should it. It happens as you live life honestly & openly in relationship with other people. Even within our relationships, few people get to our inner circle and know the true nitty gritty of our souls.

There’s good, though, in searching out the why in my tendency to hide the mess and promote the good-looking. I think Genesis 3 gives us a good idea why I hide the ugly, and why you may hide your ugly. Preface: Adam and Eve just sinned for the first time against God. They ate what they were told not to eat. They desired to be like God. This is the entrance of sin into a perfect world. Let’s read:

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.” (Genesis 3:7-8, ESV)

Here is some of my ugly. I have hidden because I have sin and I know it, and sometimes I am ashamed. I hide because I want others to think well of me. I hide because I care more about people’s opinions of me than I care about the Lord’s. I hide because I forget. I forget that as God’s daughter, I need no fig leaves to cover my nakedness or shame because I wear white robes of righteousness given to me by Jesus. My eyes drop from Jesus and get consumed with others around me.

Oh Jesus, it’s so simple when my gaze is fixed on you!

In the spirit of honesty and unashamed living, though I know you will not fully or truly know me in Facebook world, I would like to welcome you to my living room on a Friday afternoon. Come as you are! See how we live!

 

I think that plate holds the remains of breakfast from at least 7 hours ago!

I am not a perfect Christian, wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, women’s ministry leader, or woman. Far from it! I apologize for any ways I have tried to portray myself as such. However, let me take this moment to remember what is true, and listen in if you’d like.

In the midst of my flaws, I AM God’s daughter, perfectly righteous in his eyes, and I’m being made into Christ-likeness day after day as I abide in Christ and choose obedience to Him. Yes, I fail, just as my daughter currently fails at walking over objects in her path. And yes, I have a good Father, who picks me up when I fall, dusts me off, sets me on my feet, holds my hand, and tells me to keep going, and that He always walks with me.

I don’t need to stress about the ways I fail. Jesus perfectly succeeded where I did not. For me. On my behalf.

I don’t need to hide when I sin. Jesus bought me forever-right-ness with God. My current sin does not and can never touch my perfect right-ness. I can never lose my standing as his beloved daughter, pure and perfect before him.

I don’t need to strive to sin less, or to be better at (fill in the blank). I am not the fruit producer; I am a branch. I am to abide in Jesus, the vine, who will produce the fruit through me. I rest. I lean into Jesus. I pray. I run to him when I fail. I listen to his voice. I do life with my Father who delights in me.

“You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” -Isaiah 26:3

 

My sweet daughter, Gracie, is a blessing. She loves to kiss, cuddle, draw, read, play chase Gracie around the house, and routinely melts our hearts. Many times she is a reminder of God’s grace to us (one of the reasons she got the name she did). Many times through her we are reminded that all are born sinful, that as sweet and innocent as she seems, she is a sinner like the rest of mankind. We love her dearly and are blessed to be her parents.

God used her today to remind me of something. While I was changing her brother’s diaper, she somehow got hold of a pen and began scribbling on our loveseat cushions. Now, I need to tell you something about myself. I love things that look nice. I don’t necessarily mean expensive things. I like it when towels are folded, when curtains hang straight, when crumbs are picked up off the floor, when things are orderly and neat. One of my favorite parts of the day is at night after the kids are down. Greg and I come upstairs and straighten the house, so the next morning I have at least 2 minutes of neat & clean before the kids are let loose. This particular loveseat is in a corner of our house with a large window facing the mountains and the Puget Sound. At the right time with the right weather, you can see snow-capped mountains, perhaps a glorious sunset, all from the loveseat. It’s one of the cozy places in the house for me, and I commonly spend time with my Bible there. Do you get where I’m coming from? Do you hear how I appreciate cleanliness & “my” cozy corner? These scribbles directly messed with something I love and enjoy.

I turn around from changing Caleb’s diaper and see the scribbles and my daughter holding a pen with the “I know I did something wrong” look on her face. I also see the loveseat desecrated. Black scribbles are pronounced across the side corner of the loveseat and one of the cushions. Here’s what goes on in my heart, before I address my daughter: “Oh no! I have no idea how to get pen out of microfiber! Is it possible? Can I google it? I’m upset! I hate that the loveseat looks dirty & used now! I can’t fix it! We can’t afford to buy a new loveseat for years. I am going to have to stare at these ugly scribbles for years.”

I’m disappointed. I’m hurt. I’m angry. What do I do with it? Jesus led me to pray for help at that moment, and I’m so thankful for that. Grace was crying pretty hard when I called her over, and it took a few minutes, but she finally calmed down and we were able to address the “no-no” and reconcile. She then went down for a nap, and I went back upstairs and stared at the scribbles that I’m pretty sure won’t come out.

I prayed again, because I was having a hard time forgiving my daughter. I cried and asked Jesus to help me see the scribbles through His eyes and His perspective. I told Him I knew it was just a couch, but I’m weak and need help believing it.

Oh, what a sweet answer He brought me! Within the next 10 minutes, He was faithful to answer that prayer. Those scribbles are like sin. Our sin, my sin, Grace’s sin. We scribble and stain our lives, and there’s no amount of scrubbing, stain removal products, vacuums, or fancy cleaning strategies that will remove those stains from our lives. Religion (or Pinterest) tells us to scrub hard and do the right thing to be clean. It simply doesn’t work. Not one of us can make ourselves clean again, just like I can’t remove pen from microfiber. Our lives are sin-stained, and our only hope is Jesus Christ. He alone can remove our sin-stained garments and give us white robes of His righteousness. He alone can remove our sin-stained heart and give us a new one. He alone can fully cleanse, restore, renew, and redeem us.

These scribbles, which were first an annoyance, are now a precious reminder to me of Jesus’ cleansing & righteousness given to His children. I can’t wait until Grace is old enough for me to tell her the story of the scribbles on our loveseat. What a gift! A beautiful reminder, permanently etched (I hope!) in our microfiber loveseat of Jesus’ ridiculously amazing love for His children. I’m a thankful mama tonight!

 

Ahh, wisdom. I hear it comes to those who seek it and ask for it. I believe last night God gave me a bit of married-woman wisdom. It was hilarious, and beautiful, and I don’t want to forget it.

Greg (my husband) has been working long hours for the last 6-8 weeks. He’s working to help open a restaurant. It’s temporary, and we both agreed it was a good decision, and that it would take sacrifice for both of us. Because of this, he’s often tired when he comes home at night. Of course, the kids don’t adjust their schedules based on ours, so we still face the typical diapers, supper, & bedtime routines every night.

Last night, after changing our youngest, we put him down with his sister. Closing the door, I had a somewhat regular feeling surge through my body: relief. “We’re DONE! They’re asleep!” In my excitement, I pulled Greg into our bedroom and began kissing him. Greg had a confusing response. He kissed me back, but let’s just say he was choosing to stay at the beginning of the ride instead of proceeding forward. In my mind, I thought this was a beautiful opportunity for us to enjoy time together, and I didn’t understand what could be wrong. I pulled back and looked at him questioningly. He smiled and said, “Sometimes it’s hard to be romantic when you’re holding a dirty diaper.”

I collapsed laughing as he went to the diaper pail and disposed of the pee-soaked diaper he was holding in his right hand. Lesson learned, Melissa! When initiating romantic time with your husband, first check BOTH his hands to ensure dirty diapers are where they belong!

I love my church. I’ve learned so much from our pastors, the deacons & leaders, and the people who call it home. Let me first credit God for the teaching, for I believe the Holy Spirit chose at each moment to open my eyes to the truths in the Bible. I believe He put the connections together for me, just as He opened the eyes of two of his followers to the truths in Scripture concerning himself (Luke 24:13-27). I also believe we will never reach the end of understanding God and His story, as He is eternal & unsearchable (Isaiah 40:28, Ephesians 3:8).

My eyes are being opened to understand service in a new way. My old understanding was this: Jesus came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Matthew 20:28). Since he served us, we also should serve. I believed service to Jesus is what we do for him. I believed it’s however you choose to serve your local church (kid’s ministry, teaching, welcome team, ushers, community group leadership, counseling, women’s ministry, etc.). It’s how we choose to use our time. It’s loving others around us.

What I’m coming to understand is these various acts of service, while part of how we as God’s children serve him, are not the primary act of service. I hope & pray I don’t get lost in semantics here. Let me propose that the primary way we serve Christ is loving him, treasuring him above all things, desiring him and his glory above all else. The primary way we serve Christ is with our hearts, not with our actions. Our heart precedes our actions. I do not want to separate heart & actions, because James does state that “faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead” (James 2:17). However, I want to remember that it’s possible to do good-looking acts of service with impure motives. For example: I could serve at church every week in order to please people, because I’m too afraid of telling someone no. I could volunteer at a needy ministry in town because I feel guilty about not giving more of myself to others. I could counsel others because of how good it makes me feel to have the “right answer”. It’s possible to do these good-looking acts of service, presumably for Jesus but in reality for myself or to please others.

Our heart precedes our actions. We do what we love. If we love ourselves, we’ll do whatever we can for ourselves. If we love Jesus, our actions will flow from that love, and all we do will be motivated by that love. When I say “love Jesus”, I mean love & desire him above all else. Above your comfort, your marital status, pleasures, self, ultimately above your own life. He is what you want more than anything. He is the one you run to for comfort. He is the one you rejoice with in celebration. He is the one you can’t do without.

Let me go to a higher authority than myself, for I know I am flawed and in need of my Savior. What does the Bible say about this?

• Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?”Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:28-29, ESV)
• John 15. The whole chapter, but in particular, verse 4: “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.”

Oh, I could write for hours about those verses! Let’s summarize what they’re saying:

1. The work of God, according to Jesus, is believing in Jesus.
2. We have no power to produce fruit, or good works, on our own. We must abide in Jesus, the vine, who produces the good work through us, the branches. A good friend, James Noriega, the pastor who married us, put it like this. We’re a garden hose. We have no ability to produce the water. We channel it and spray it out, but the water does not come from us. So it is with fruit, with kingdom work.

So the work is fighting to believe Jesus. We forget often, so we must fight to believe. We must be reminded over and over about the gospel of Jesus Christ. We never outgrow it. We never outgrow our need for the gospel. We are saved by Jesus Christ, and daily we need reminders of Jesus’ work on our behalf. We fight to remember that we are righteous because Jesus gave us his righteousness and took our filth. We fight to remember that in our rebellion and our failure to give God the glory due him, he saved us. We fight to remember Jesus’ words on the cross: “It is finished.”, meaning the sacrifices, work, and striving to be in right relationship with God is over. We fight to get low, to humble ourselves, and to remember all God requires of us to be saved is to fall and say, “I need a savior, and you, Jesus, are it.” We fight to remember how forgiven we are when we struggle to forgive others. We fight to remember how loved we are when we struggle to love the unlovable. We fight to remember how blessed we are when we struggle through pain, unwanted circumstances, broken relationships, and the effects of living in a sinful world. We fight to remember what’s to come, and that our hope is not in this life but in the life to come.

We fight to remember Jesus’ words, and God’s story, and his redemption, and the love & grace & sovereignty of our God. We fight because as we remember Jesus, we realign to his work and his desires and his mission and his heart. As we fight, we draw close to Jesus, and we become more and more like him. Have you noticed the more we spend time with someone, the more like them we become?

Jesus is faithful. His Holy Spirit lives in us. He will accomplish his work. Period. So fight to believe in Jesus, and in doing so, you are doing the work of God.

A godly older woman once told me during my single years that if I were to be married, one of the best ways I could bless my husband was  to bless him with godliness. I remember nodding and thinking, “That sounds great!”. I didn’t understand why that would be such a blessing to him, nor did I expect her to tell me that. I thought it might be something in the “have sex often” category (though we talked about that, too!).

She was right. I’m almost 3 years into marriage, and I’ve been recently convicted of this. If I am not loving the Lord Jesus with my whole heart, putting my idols aside and seeking to love & serve Him only, then our marriage is profoundly affected. Instead of being passionate about Jesus’ work in our lives, I become passionate about constructing my own Eden: a clean & organized house with 2 kids under 2, yummy & nutritious meals made on time every night, obedient toddler & napping-well infant, laundry folded (not just washed), and a husband who comes home intent only on serving me and my needs. Basically, I become self-centered.

There’s a sad side to my selfishness, too. I usually try to justify my selfishness with biblical reasons. I become self-righteous and judgmental. I ignore the junk going on in my own heart and instead try to point out my husband’s specks. Sometimes he doesn’t see it coming, and I can distract him from asking me what’s going on in my heart. Thankfully, God loves me too much to let me get away with this.

It’s a blessing to my husband when I pursue godliness. It’s a blessing to my family and my friends. It’s a blessing to me. Yes, it’s a death to self. It hurts to say no to what my flesh wants, and sometimes it feels like going through the actions while I’m waiting for my heart to change and actually desire what God is inviting me into. But the beautiful truth Jesus tells us in John 12:24 says, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” Fruit for God’s kingdom, not mine. Fruit for His glory, not mine. Fruit for His purposes, not mine. May I grow to desire what He wants, and nothing else.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. (John 15:16, ESV)

Though I prayed & invited Jesus into my heart, I did not choose him. He chose me. 

Jesus did not choose me so I could feed my flesh and seek after what I want. He chose me for his purpose: that I should go and bear fruit for his kingdom. I have been selfishly tending my own purposes lately. I fight against the very things God puts in my life to sanctify me. I fight against motherhood & the death to self that it is. I fight for what I think will give me rest (TV shows, sleep, pleasantly-acting kids). 

God has been clearly speaking to me, asking me to do some very specific things. I have not obeyed him, and it weighs on me. I don’t want to disobey anymore. Jesus, I want to obey you, even if it means my flesh dies. Help me through the death. I understand death hurts, and I want to kill my flesh. Please help me. 

God has told me to:

• Be in the Bible every day, whenever I get those quick quiet moments. Jesus has been faithful to me, that even with two young kids, he can use two quiet minutes to speak to me. 
• Listen to sermons while I’m busy around the house instead of putting TV shows on. This helps train my mind to be thinking of God’s purposes and dwelling on God’s word and not my own desires.
• Keep memorizing Scripture. Keep my notecards out, in the bathroom, on the kitchen counter, wherever I will see them. Work on memorizing Scripture.

My Father knows what’s best for me, and these are loving commandments from him.