A godly older woman once told me during my single years that if I were to be married, one of the best ways I could bless my husband was  to bless him with godliness. I remember nodding and thinking, “That sounds great!”. I didn’t understand why that would be such a blessing to him, nor did I expect her to tell me that. I thought it might be something in the “have sex often” category (though we talked about that, too!).

She was right. I’m almost 3 years into marriage, and I’ve been recently convicted of this. If I am not loving the Lord Jesus with my whole heart, putting my idols aside and seeking to love & serve Him only, then our marriage is profoundly affected. Instead of being passionate about Jesus’ work in our lives, I become passionate about constructing my own Eden: a clean & organized house with 2 kids under 2, yummy & nutritious meals made on time every night, obedient toddler & napping-well infant, laundry folded (not just washed), and a husband who comes home intent only on serving me and my needs. Basically, I become self-centered.

There’s a sad side to my selfishness, too. I usually try to justify my selfishness with biblical reasons. I become self-righteous and judgmental. I ignore the junk going on in my own heart and instead try to point out my husband’s specks. Sometimes he doesn’t see it coming, and I can distract him from asking me what’s going on in my heart. Thankfully, God loves me too much to let me get away with this.

It’s a blessing to my husband when I pursue godliness. It’s a blessing to my family and my friends. It’s a blessing to me. Yes, it’s a death to self. It hurts to say no to what my flesh wants, and sometimes it feels like going through the actions while I’m waiting for my heart to change and actually desire what God is inviting me into. But the beautiful truth Jesus tells us in John 12:24 says, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” Fruit for God’s kingdom, not mine. Fruit for His glory, not mine. Fruit for His purposes, not mine. May I grow to desire what He wants, and nothing else.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. (John 15:16, ESV)

Though I prayed & invited Jesus into my heart, I did not choose him. He chose me. 

Jesus did not choose me so I could feed my flesh and seek after what I want. He chose me for his purpose: that I should go and bear fruit for his kingdom. I have been selfishly tending my own purposes lately. I fight against the very things God puts in my life to sanctify me. I fight against motherhood & the death to self that it is. I fight for what I think will give me rest (TV shows, sleep, pleasantly-acting kids). 

God has been clearly speaking to me, asking me to do some very specific things. I have not obeyed him, and it weighs on me. I don’t want to disobey anymore. Jesus, I want to obey you, even if it means my flesh dies. Help me through the death. I understand death hurts, and I want to kill my flesh. Please help me. 

God has told me to:

• Be in the Bible every day, whenever I get those quick quiet moments. Jesus has been faithful to me, that even with two young kids, he can use two quiet minutes to speak to me. 
• Listen to sermons while I’m busy around the house instead of putting TV shows on. This helps train my mind to be thinking of God’s purposes and dwelling on God’s word and not my own desires.
• Keep memorizing Scripture. Keep my notecards out, in the bathroom, on the kitchen counter, wherever I will see them. Work on memorizing Scripture.

My Father knows what’s best for me, and these are loving commandments from him.