It’s been five weeks. On Monday, November 20, we got the results from my mom’s biopsy on a growing lesion & lump on her tongue that she has cancer. This came after months of issues with this lesion, and multiple misdiagnoses as she sought help for it. Even writing that it’s been five weeks (almost six) feels surreal. It feels like a previous lifetime ago. I went from thinking “my mom just needs to find the right Dr to figure out what’s going on and get her the right medication so she’ll be back to normal”, to “our lives have changed and will never be the same again.” In so many ways.

I’m my mom’s primary caregiver. It’s an honor to be that for her. As some of you know and some of you can imagine, there’s been very little time for me to process this news personally. Reasons for this are:

1. The overall time from her diagnosis to where we are today is so short for the amount of work needing to be done and grief, pain and suffering felt.
2. We have four children ages 4-11, and we homeschool them.
3. Thanksgiving & Christmas.
4. Mom’s health seems to be rapidly changing and her needs increasing rapidly as well.

We are 7 days from her initial treatment of surgery, and I’m sensing it’s time to write and do some processing for myself, as well as to share with the people who are far away and more disconnected from my reality but care all the same and are keeping us upheld in prayer. My mom is journaling throughout her process on this caringbridge website, which you can check and follow if you want her health updates. https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/laurieshealthjourney2

The words that come to mind to describe how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been experiencing are all over the board. Confusing. Heart-breaking. Helpless. Angry. Broken. Overwhelmed. Devastated. Grieving. Hurting. There is no rhyme or reason to grief. There is no schedule. I find myself falling apart in the car most often, probably because it’s the only place I am alone. One day a few weeks in I was pulling into Fred Meyer’s parking lot for my weekly grocery run, and “Even If” came on the radio by Mercy Me. That was the first good ugly sob session I had with God. No tissues in the car, of course, and I was on a time schedule to get home, so yes, I went shopping with an inflamed red nose and puffy eyes and a snotty sleeve on my coat, and got a few weird looks. I couldn’t care less.

Then there are times when I can’t fall apart, though everything inside me feels like it’s breaking. Sitting in my mom’s oncologist/surgeon’s office, receiving the news that she will need a glossectomy, reconstruction of her tongue from a portion of her arm or leg, removal of her neck lymph nodes, a trach and G-tube, loss of regular speech, no guarantee of much after the surgery because so much is unknown, was probably the microcosm of what this looks like for me being Mom’s caregiver. I feel as if I’m dying inside, yet my mom has been hit by this shocking news and needs me to be strong for her. So I took notes, asked questions, wrote everything down so we could remember outside of the shock of the moment, and found space later on to cry. One time I was able to cry with my mom about the news. More often I’m finding she’s leaning on me for the strength she doesn’t have due to lack of sleep, increased pain levels, emotional distress with facing this upcoming surgery and her unknown future.

This is all new to me. I’ve never walked with a close family member or friend through cancer. I’ve never known anyone with tongue cancer before. I’m learning in leaps and bounds what it means to be someone’s primary caregiver. As one of our social workers put it, taking care of Melissa is taking care of Laurie. Apparently I need my own support system to help carry my mom through this. I knew I did, but having our social worker and others who have been a caregiver confirm it has been so helpful. Part of the last few weeks has been slowly building that care team up. Finding the friends who can listen and support me. Connecting with a cancer caregiver support group. Organizing rides and care for our kids. Putting a meal registry together (we’re a vegan family, y’all! How difficult is that? Yet people are signing up for meals!). Talking with other caregivers. I’ve been particularly encouraged by Beth, one of my mom’s old friends from my childhood Vermont days, who has been an ongoing caregiver for her disabled daughter for as long as I’ve known her. She gave me words of life that felt like drinking from a pure well of water after a marathon in the desert. They came from her experience, from her own valleys and tears and grief, from the comfort and wisdom she’s received from God, and I am so humbled that God made a way for me to sit and receive them.

I’ve also learned some painful lessons. There are a few exceptions to this, but both Mom and I have experienced that many of us simply don’t know how to walk with someone through deep pain and grief. Our culture isn’t equipped to do so well. Even speaking from a Christian perspective, the church doesn’t know how to do this well. And I don’t know how to do this well. I can’t tell you how shocking it was to go from one Sunday at church, not grieving, to the next Sunday at church, grieving, and see the difference. It’s as if I had lenses taken off and I saw the situation more clearly. I felt so out of place. I felt like I didn’t belong. Like one Sunday I could see and the next Sunday I was blind, and I realized the whole church service and way we do life together caters only to the seeing people. Not because the people don’t care, but because they’re not blind. They haven’t thought about what it’s like to be blind. They haven’t given it much thought because they haven’t had to. Previously, I certainly didn’t. I had experienced deep pain, but not to this level. When someone I knew was suffering, I remember well my multiple reactions: discomfort, helplessness, not knowing what to say or do, glad I wasn’t going through what they were going through, would tell them I would pray for them, and I would, but overall I remember a basic lost-ness. I didn’t know how to join someone in their grief, and sadly, I didn’t seek to learn.

Now I understand better. None of us choose deep suffering and grief. It comes upon you when it does. And you walk differently. You do life differently. You’ve changed. To follow my analogy above, you’re blind. And it’s not going to change. I can’t go back to who I was. I never will. So how can we learn to open our doors to all people, not just the seeing people? How can we make space for deeply grieving people? How can we learn to weep and mourn well together? To lament, which I’m learning is grief directed to God? I could make a list of things that have not been helpful and what has been helpful thus far, but perhaps another time. Everyone I have talked with or interacted with as I’ve been “blind” has had wonderful intentions, and I see that. At some point I would love to help us grow in joining each other in our grief and sorrow.

So here we are. I want to close with giving you an idea of what my days are looking like and what we’re heading toward. For my Jesus-loving friends, please keep my mom and all of us in your prayers. She’s going through what I consider as close to hell on earth as she’s going to get. She’s in constant pain. Her pain meds keep her at a 6-7 level at best (and yes, I’ve been messaging and calling and on top of the pain management discussion with her care team). This type of pain is normal for oral cancer at her level, so sadly she just has to make it through as best she can on her current pain meds (she’s on three right now). We don’t know the stage of her cancer yet, but should in a couple weeks when her pathology report from surgery gets back. What we do know is that she went from being able to talk clearly to not being understood in a matter of three weeks. Her tongue is now mostly immobilized. She’s on a liquid diet of puddings and protein shakes. Eating and drinking are a struggle. We’ve just received bloodwork back that shows she may be dehydrated, so tomorrow’s adventure is getting her IV fluids. She’s not able to sleep more than an hour or two at a time. As you can imagine, the lack of sleep, emotional turmoil, implications of the cancer, and pain are playing a huge number on her ability to cope and her rational thinking. Her surgery date is 1/5, and it will be a 6+ hour surgery in the OR, removing whatever portion of her tongue that contains cancer, and reconstructing a mound of tissue where her tongue was, along with the lymph node removal and feeding tube & trach placement. Her hospital stay should be 7-10 days depending on her recovery, and then if she’s well enough, she’ll come live with us while I take over her home care. She may have a trach and G-tube in at that point, so I’ll be trained on how to feed her and maintain her trach. Because so much of this surgery is dependent on what is currently going on in her body, we don’t know how long her recovery will take. Best guess is 4-6 weeks out from 1/5, she’ll start radiation. Right now so much of my days are getting ready for me being with Mom full-time, organizing life for our home to run without me for at least January, communicating on Mom’s behalf with Drs and other appointments, and helping her through one day at a time.

So with all that said, this is my new season. This is my new normal. The bad dream that doesn’t go away has started to feel like my everyday life. It feels a little less shocking than the first few weeks, but every day gives us something new. I’m learning that helplessness is a normal feeling for the caregiver of someone with cancer. It’s a most awful thing to watch someone you love suffer and to not be able to alleviate it.

Some descriptions of this new season:

1. I’ve never been on my phone so much in my life.
2. I’m having very intense and weird dreams.
3. I’ve learned that you can feel Christmas joy and dreadful agony in the same day.
4. Mom and I can still tap dance together.
5. I am capable of doing hard things, things I never thought I could do.
6. Crying out to God really does help, even when circumstances don’t change. He changes you.
7. The suffering “blind” people make themselves known, and they surround you with all the love and prayer and presence that your soul needs. They just know what to do and say and not say, because they’ve lived it. It reminds me of how Paul says that we can comfort others in their affliction with the comfort we’ve received in ours. I’ve received that comfort. Thank you to our faithful comforters, and for reaching out to us while you are still hurting, too. I want to be like you.
8. I’ve discovered there’s a whole other type of music out there for grieving and lamenting people, and I love it. It’s what my soul needs to hear, not that peppy stuff right now.
9. I really married up. My husband has been a rock through this whole thing.
10. Life is so short and unpredictable and out of our hands. There really is a whole level of peace I’m experiencing knowing that God is holding all things together, even though I have no idea how he will bring good out of something so horrific. This is faith in action, being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. I don’t see how God is good right now. I don’t see how he loves my mom. I don’t see why he doesn’t just lift this burden since he’s capable of doing it, and he isn’t doing it. So I cry out to him and I work to trust who he says he is when I don’t see it or feel it. I think that’s faith. If I didn’t believe in him, I wouldn’t cry out to him.

If you want to help us with any meals, we’d really welcome them. PM me for the link.

If God prompts you to help in other ways, feel free to reach out to Greg or myself. I will not be very available for awhile, so Greg is probably your best bet.

Until next time. Thank you for reading and caring and for being part of our lives. It’s really impossible to do this alone, and a big part of how you can help and walk with me right now is the acknowledgment of my pain. I’m “blind”. It doesn’t help to have anyone ignore that or gloss over it. I’ve changed. I’m in it. Knowing you see me and you hear me is tremendously helpful. I don’t need advice or your story of how it all worked out for you. Maybe I will at some point, but not now. I need what one dear sister offered me on Christmas Eve. She saw me, came up to me, told me her heart was aching for me, and she prayed. She had been through this valley in her own life, but she didn’t tell us all about it. She was present with us, she cried with us, she prayed with us, and hugged us. One of the best presents I’ve ever gotten.

Last year I wrote a blog post about why my husband and I are choosing to stay in our city while many current Christians have left it for various reasons. This is a continuation of something I wrote in that post. My hope is that this relates to and helps anyone identifying as a Christian who is struggling to live where they are living, due to the “darkness” or the difficulties that arise in a city that rejects what God says. Particularly to those raising families in a place where Christians are few, I hope to encourage you where you are.

For definition’s sake, at some point I need to define what I mean by “Christian”. That word has many connotations to it and has been used and misused ad nauseum. For this post’s sake and for the sake of those reading this who have their own filter of what Christian means, I’ll attempt a one-sentence definition, one I would tell a child. A Christian is one whose greatest treasure is Jesus Christ, who lived, died, and rose in order to save and redeem anyone who puts their trust in him.

The question at hand today for my Christian friends is this: why stay in a godless city? Why raise a family in a place that holds values opposite to the Bible? Why stay when laws are unjust and unwise? Why stay when the schools are suffering and teaching a political agenda? Why stay when the darkness is so….well…..dark? The short answer is: we stay because it’s dark! Hopefully I will unpack that further and provide a launching point for some robust conversations. If you live near me, I’d love to grab some coffee with you and chat some more about it.

I recently came back from a workshop in downtown Seattle, equipping women teachers in biblical exposition. It was like three days of fresh air. We met new faces and heard about what God is doing in various churches in the area. We joked and laughed together about the ridiculous (and very humanly relatable!) characters in the Old Testament stories we were reading, because we could see ourselves in Saul’s excuses to Samuel. We cried together. We worshiped our risen King together. Being with other sisters in Christ who love and worship Jesus with you was invigorating, refreshing, and life-giving. In some ways I just wanted the sweet time of fellowship and training to continue. It felt really good being with other people who believe the same thing I do.

Perhaps I’m not alone. Have you also felt that way? Honestly, as a Christian, looking forward to the glory coming, our resurrected bodies, seeing Jesus FINALLY, worshipping him with no sin and no brokenness, fully redeemed creation….it’s no wonder when we get together that we love it and want more. We like being surrounded by other Christians. It’s comforting and encouraging. It’s also necessary for the building up of our faith (Hebrews 10:25 being one of many examples). However, it’s not the only piece. It’s not the only thing we were called to do and to be. Jesus also commanded all his disciples to be witnesses to him in all places and to all people (Matthew 28). We’re a sent people with a witness to Jesus.

With that in mind, we need to ask a question. Who is your Lord? Meaning who has the right and authority to tell you what to do with your life? Whose word has final say in your heart? If you claim to be a follower of Jesus, that means Jesus is not only our Savior but our Lord, and in being our Lord he has the ultimate authority to tell us what to do. A sign of our love for God is our obedience (John 15, “If you love me, you will obey my commands.”). This doesn’t mean we will never disobey, but it means our deepest desire is to do what Jesus commands, and when we fail to do so, we repent and try again. If Jesus is our Lord, our lives are no longer ours anymore (Galatians 2:20). our lives must be submitted wholly to him for his purpose. His commands are our very joy to obey. His word is our utmost priority. Who and what he values and loves is who and what we must value and love. What he hates we must hate. And when his commands and word rubs us the wrong way and reveal the idols in our heart, we must lay them down. We can’t serve both God and ________.

What does this have to do with living in a dark place, or raising a family in said dark place? Over the last couple years, I’ve become aware of a group of people identifying as Christian who are mourning and grieving that the US is no longer a Christian nation. They are saddened by the lack of love for God and desire to live in his ways. They pull their kids out of school because of their concerns over what children are being taught. Some believe the answer is the right president, or better laws. Some believe the answer is to homeschool and raise up a Christian generation to “take this country back” (just so you know, this is not why we have chosen to homeschool!). Some believe they need to prepare the more conservative parts of the country for what’s coming. Some are moving away from the darkness into places that still look or seem “Christian”, or perhaps more accurately, conservative (which does not equal Christian). It doesn’t take long reading the gospel accounts of Jesus’ life to understand that he united people of differing races, along with social & political beliefs, and this includes our red and blue bubbles today.

I can understand the grief and the fear these people have experienced. I share many of their concerns, particularly the ones regarding the quality of our educational systems. As a Christian, it’s hard to live alongside sin. In some ways, the brokenness should grieve us. But according to God’s story laid out in Scripture, culminating in Jesus,, it should grieve us toward the lost, not to a political agenda or a “save the country” campaign. Jesus’ good news is salvation for sinners, not salvation for the United States of America, or for the US to be a Christian nation.

If your heart is grieved over the state of your city, or your country, take a moment and consider your response to the darkness around you. Consider what your response reveals about your heart. Do you ultimately want the lost to be saved, or do you simply want to live in a country which holds the same values as you do? Do you ache for God’s kingdom to come to the unredeemed, or do you ache for your world to be a comfortable, Christian-ese one? Now, to be clear, that ache to live as God intended us to do is good! It’s wonderful when laws reflect God’s heart and will. And it will be fulfilled, praise God. At the end of the age. For eternity. We need to recognize that laws don’t change people’s hearts; the transforming work of the Holy Spirit does. Right now our command from Jesus is not to make a Christian nation, but to make disciples. Look to the heroes in Hebrews 11. They died in faith, not having received that which was promised to them, but greeted it from afar. They lived as sojourners on this earth, still waiting for their homeland. Because we already have a homeland and an inheritance waiting for us there, now is the time to pursue people and invite them to that homeland. They are God’s image bearers, heading for destruction and unaware of the God who loves them so much he gave up his Son to win them back. And so many of them don’t know him because Christians aren’t inconveniencing themselves to love and welcome the lost into their lives, homes, and churches to introduce them to Jesus.

As we consider our heart’s response to the sin and darkness around us, it may be that idols of country and nation, our idea of comfortably living in a “Christian” nation, state or city, are being revealed. If Christians are moving away from darkness instead of into it, I wonder if we’ve forgotten who we are, and who we serve, and under whose authority we live. I wonder if we’ve lost our purpose. I wonder if Jesus were walking among us if we’d find ourselves on the side of the religious do-gooders who wanted nothing to do with him because he was eating and drinking with the social outcasts and sinners of the day. I wonder if we actually love him, or we love something else instead. God may be loving us right now by revealing the sinfulness of people claiming Christ while huddling together and failing to go out and feed the lost the Bread of Life. Being theologically right is nothing if we are not also just as loving, as Jesus so beautifully demonstrated both grace and truth. The harvest is plentiful. There are so many lost people who need the gospel of Jesus Christ! What we need are laborers.

If we have the heart of God, we then have a heart for the lost. We are not surprised by people’s godlessness and sin. We expect lost people, and we go and serve and love and share Jesus with them. And while you find lost people everywhere, guess where a lot of them are: dark places! Isn’t a dark place where so many people don’t know and love God exactly where a Christian should be?

Parents, isn’t this a great location in which to raise your kids? They get to see your faith in action as you love your neighbor, as you be his witness, as you have the gay couple next door over for dinner to build relationship, as you pray with and for people, as you minster to the homeless, as you volunteer your time to help your city, as you work with the public schools to be Jesus’ presence with the kids and families, as you pray for opportunities to talk with your coworkers, as you strive for racial reconciliation in the community, as you grieve with the hurting and listen to them. In a spiritually dark place, it’s a wonderful opportunity to teach your kids what it looks like to be a Christian. Kids are smart. If they see being a Christian as Sunday attendance, youth group or Sunday school, prayers before meals, rote “Christian” things to do while your life doesn’t match the words preached on Sunday or the life Jesus called us to live, they will notice. They’re experts at identifying hypocrisy. And if they’re smart, they’ll want nothing to do with it.

Kids need to learn to love others who are different from them. They need continual opportunities to do so, to practice and then debrief with parents who love them and are doing the same thing. This is not possible if you seek to surround yourself only with others who think like you. Sometimes in trying to protect our children we fail to equip them. Growing children are not mature yet. Of course they need our protection. And they also need our example, our instruction, and ultimately our release as they grow. We need to them make decisions and choices and experience the consequences. Ultimately, my point for parents is the fruit of living a Christ-like faith in front of them is priceless. Sadly, a lot of kids raised in a Christian home learn more about categorizing people (“us & them”), to huddle perpetually with like-minded people, to go to church and do good things, but in doing all this they miss Jesus. I’ve heard many a testimony of someone raised in church but didn’t know Jesus. In a dark place, where Christians are rare, it’s very hard for that to happen. You don’t get comfortable benefits for being a Christian in spiritually dark places. Just like Jesus does with his upside-down kingdom, the darkness and hardships tend to build a stronger, deeper faith in Jesus.

I’m not saying we should go at this alone. God did not design us to live in a “Jesus and me” type of relationship. God saved us into a family, and made us to flourish within a community of others whose Lord and Savior is also Jesus. We need to encourage and be encouraged, reminders of truth, correction when we’re off, teaching of God’s word, rebuke when we’re in sin. We can’t walk with Jesus alone. In order to be part of the body, we need to live as part of a body. What I am saying is that we need to be aware of all that Jesus told us to do, not just part. We need solid theology and solid outreatch. We need to become aware of our blind spots, our idols, and our weaknesses and ask God for a heart of repentance and growth. We need to ask God to give us his values and heart for lost people. This will hurt, by the way. I’ve prayed that prayer, and if you are brave enough to do so, it will break your heart. And it will also move you into a deeper, more intimate, more joy-filled, more glorious existence than one chasing comforts or other lesser things.

As Jesus united people of differing social and political beliefs with his kingdom good news (which we don’t have to dig very deeply into the New Testament to see that he did), then I argue that Jesus’ kingdom good news is greater than our biases or social/political convictions. If his good news of salvation is for all people, and our eternal dwelling with God is secure, then I argue where we live now does not matter nearly as much as how we live where we are. If our call as Christians and our command from Jesus is to make disciples, then I argue we should seek to do that wherever we find ourselves. In particular, if we understand God’s heart for the lost, we see a dark place and instead of running from people “because they don’t believe what I believe”, or “they aren’t living the way God commands us to live,” it should prompt us to run toward them. What movie or great story has the hero running away from the brokenness of the world? If Frodo never took the ring to Mordor “because he would encounter a lot of enemies along the way”? If medics on the battlefield stayed in their foxholes while their comrades bled? The most important example is Jesus. What if he never came to the broken? What if he had never come to find you to bind you up and bring you salvation? Thank God, he did.

As I close, I want to recall the beginning of the book of Acts. We’ve been reading Acts together as a family during the mornings. Many Christians fled out of Jerusalem in the days of the early church, when persecution rose through Saul and others, and their lives were in danger. God used this to spread the gospel to others who had never heard it, particularly the non-Jews. Not knowing their heart condition and motivations for leaving, I can’t speak more to their fleeing, other than to say I trust God is at work in every movement on this planet to continue bringing his kingdom. Praise God, he works his will through every one of our successes and failures, and he will complete his word. Perhaps the best thing that could happen to our country is the end of us being a “Christian nation”, and the rejection of hypocritical Christianity in our culture. This darkness spreading from coast to coast could spark true, living, abiding, fruit-bearing faith in Jesus, and rid us of religiosity, our idols of politics and nation and comfort. Persecution spread the gospel for the new church. Maybe a spiritual revival is coming, just not in the way we had expected. Perhaps the best thing we can do to “prepare” is to begin by bending our knees and ask God to search our hearts. Repent for the ways we have failed to live with Jesus as our Lord, and surrender any idols we have been carrying. Then pray earnestly for more laborers for the harvest, and for God’s heart for the lost. Let’s surrender it all for Jesus, as he did for us. Let’s inconvience ourselves for him. Let’s give it all for him. Then let’s see where God takes us.

There is an exodus that has been happening throughout the last couple years. Perhaps you know of it. You may be on the leaving end, or the receiving end. Maybe you are one who has left, or one who has stayed.

Speaking personally, as a resident of the Pacific Northwest, we are from an area from which a lot of people are leaving. It has become so common in my circles to move that I have been asked multiple times if our family is moving, too. One reason I am writing this particular post is to state clearly our intent and our heart behind it. Spoiler alert: we are staying. Another reason I am writing is to encourage those who are staying to continue fighting the good fight and to endure hard times for the sake of God’s kingdom.

*Disclaimer to those of you who may not yet know this about me: I am a Christian, and this specific blog post is directed to other Christians. What I say may not make much sense to you, but I welcome you here and thank you for reading. Please continue reading if you’d like; “try on” what I am saying. My door is always open if you want to talk more about what I believe and why.

So we are staying. Objective #1 of this post is completed. Objective #2 is to answer why. Why stay? I can certainly relate to and understand many of our friends’ reasons for moving. The top three I’ve heard are as follows: Financial. Political. Family-related. The cost of living in Seattle is quite high. Many of the politics and handling of COVID oppose what our friends (and us at times) believe is right. They wish for a safer place to raise their children, one where most of the people around them value what they value. There are other reasons, but these are the most common ones I have heard. As I said, I can relate. It is getting harder to live here. The darkness seems like it’s pressing in and getting personal. It’s not “out there” anymore; it’s affecting our children, our neighborhood, our schools, our finances. Recently I got to travel to Portland and chat with many women from various churches in Oregon, and I heard much of the same. People have been feeling the shift, and some are choosing to leave.

So why stay? No, it’s not because of the scenery or weather, the restaurants or cultural opportunities. It’s not because we agree with all the laws, decisions, and values of our area. Yes, we’ve certainly been given the freedom and opportunity to move somewhere else, where the politics are more in line with our beliefs, where our children can have acreage to roam and play freely, where we get more bang for our buck than we do here. Why stay when it’s hard? Just like our friends who have a combination of reasons to move, we have a combination of reason we stay.

1. We stay because it’s hard.

That may seem like a weird reason, or a sick one, where we stay because we enjoy difficulty and pain. No, we’re not as sadistic as that. We don’t like pain or challenge more than the average American, but God has grown us to understand that our character, our faith, our ability to endure and persevere, our love; in short, the fruits we want in our lives have been formed through difficulty. In Luke 9:23-24 (NLT), Jesus says this:

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”

There are many other examples in God’s word of this. The point is this: we Christians know that in order to follow Jesus, we must also take the path of suffering and rejection, even to the point of death. Our lives are not our own anymore. All the other things we wanted to pursue before Christ are now secondary, tertiary, or submitted to the will of God instead of our will. We must give up our own way. And when our hearts are overtaken with the beauty and majesty of our Savior, this is just what we want to do, with great joy. Specifically in our context, we’re not facing death for our beliefs in the US. However, if the people around us deride us, exclude us, judge us, or hate us for loving what God loves and hating what He hates, we are walking Jesus’ path after him and have eternal cause to rejoice. Yes, it’s hard to live here as a Christian, and the very fact that it is hard to live here due to our faith tells me we’re doing something right.

2. We stay because we are a minority.

As you will see, there are overlaps in our reasons. This reason is a continuation of Reason #1 above. Consider the context of the early Christian church after Jesus’ ascension, which is the context of Acts, the epistles, and even Revelation. The early Christians were quite a minority in their culture. Rome certainly did not govern solely by biblical principles. Churches were scattered (by persecution) throughout a world that believed in many gods; small pockets of believers within a society that didn’t understand them. Now consider God’s people in OT context. I know that’s quite a spread, but to throw some names out there to get you thinking: Noah, Abraham, the Israelites in Egypt, their receiving of the Promised Land during Joshua’s time, the Babylonian exile, the return to Jerusalem. Is there a time God’s people were the majority in their context?

While it is a good and holy ache to be with other believers, and a necessary part of walking in faith and building each other up, we are also not meant to all huddle together in the same place. At some point, we need to leave the huddle and get in the game. I’ve seen too many times this “huddling” has led not to mission but to judgment and a critical spirit, looking at the people who don’t live and think like they should, rather than being God’s instrument of change, love, mercy, grace and truth. We were meant to be sent out all over the world, to be Jesus’ witnesses, to be salt and light. The very fact that there are not many Christians here encourages us to dig in, be involved in our community, and be a channel of God’s presence & hope to a hurting, lost and blind world.

3. We stay because we feel the darkness increasing.

Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? Even as I write it, I feel as if I’m painting a portrait of us living vicariously in a superhero story where we as Captain America and Thor are fighting Thanos in the dark, hopeless wreckage of the Avengers headquarters. No, the battle in which we are engaged is even more profound than Endgame. Our enemy is real, yes. He is Satan, the devil, and he is furious, knowing his time is short. His target is those who hold to the testimony of Jesus and keep his commandments (Rev. 12). Though he is furious and making war against the church, God also shows us in Revelation that the victory belongs to the slain and risen Lamb, Jesus Christ. He has defeated Satan already, and will finally and forever conquer him, sin and death at the end of the age. This is why we can endure the darkness, church! This is why we can continue holding fast to the testimony of Jesus and keep God’s words. Jesus is standing in the midst of his church (Rev. 1), and he is victorious! The darkness around is not in us! The Light has come (John 8:12). By his Spirit who lives in us, we are the light of the world (Matt. 5:14)! Just as I said earlier, it would make no sense for the light to huddle together in the same place like some sort of enormous power plant while the rest of the country (or the world) is in darkness. Of course it’s dark here! Before the Holy Spirit opened our eyes, we also walked in darkness. People around us need the light. We need to be a light in the darkness because Jesus has conquered and will conquer at the end, and we want to be found doing our Master’s work.

Another bonus to staying when it’s dark is that God’s glory, goodness, character, power and steadfast love tend to shine out through his people in times of struggle and darkness. Loving our enemies and praying for those who persecute us requires being in relationship with our enemies and enduring persecution.

4. We stay because we’ve been given the financial ability to stay.

This is a practical reason, part of discerning God’s call to stay or move. Not everyone can live here. The housing market is pretty ridiculous here, as it is a lot of places. If you don’t make a certain amount, you won’t be able to live here. It’s a reality to consider. On the other hand, we’ve personally experienced and heard stories of God’s provision when income was dramatically below average for this area. For example: we were able to live in West Seattle, newly married, while my husband was a barista for Starbucks and I worked 4 hrs a week as a personal trainer. What we’ve learned is if God calls, He provides.

Another thing to consider is that even though we are financially viable with city living in the PNW, we could easily get more square footage and more perks of higher-class living if we moved elsewhere. I understand the draw; I spent some time on Redfin just yesterday to see the quality of living we would have in another state. It’s tempting to want to increase your standard of living. Yet for us, we get more excited about the opportunities to be generous and do ministry here than to get comfortable in a temporary stopping place just for the sake of status or ease. It’s not what we are called to pursue. It won’t make us happy. All these lesser comforts, fine in their place, are not worthy of our pursuit. Where our hearts are; our wallets follow. And we want to pursue first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.

There are other reasons we stay, but these are four out of the five main reasons. A fifth one is so lengthy it needs its own blog post, but I’ll give you a preview: we believe this is a great place to raise our kids. (Did I just shock our whole homeschool community?!)

Obviously not everyone is moving. Many are planted and committed. I’ve met a few new arrivals who have moved here from California, Texas, and the Midwest. Throughout the last few years, I’ve panicked and repented and understood yet again that God loves this part of the world, as He loves every part of His world, and He is not abandoning us. He is continuing to make the name of Jesus known to all people, as we disciples of Jesus are faithful to proclaim it.

Church, if I could remind you of anything as I close this post, it is this:

God has chosen to do His work through His church. That means you and me. If we assume “someone else will do it”, we’re missing it. If we think someone else will love the struggling neighbor across the street, we’re missing it. If we think someone else is going to be the voice of reason at our child’s school, we’re missing it. As weak, flawed, sinful, and struggling as we are, we need to understand God knows our flaws, and has not recruited us because we’re so amazing. We’re not. He is. It’s His Spirit in us that will accomplish His work, if we would only walk with Him and submit to His leading in our lives.

You may be called to stay where you are. You may be sent elsewhere. If you are going, go with a heart for the lost. Go in good fellowship with the church in the place you are leaving, praying for them as they continue the work of the kingdom. Go in prayer for the people you are leaving and the people to which you are going. Go as God’s ambassador. Go not in search of comfort, but to follow Christ. Go with a heart of willingness to be wherever He calls you to be, however long He calls you to be there.

If you are staying, copy and paste the above, inserting the word “stay” where it says “go”.

This really is the best life of all. I hope and pray it’s yours.

Oh, and if anyone wants to move to the Seattle area to do God’s work here, please come 🙂 We have a place for you.

February 5, 2022

Greetings. Our Master sends you his good wishes, as well as instruction and encouragement. As head over the divisions assigned to families, he wishes you to know that overall, your efforts are most definitely having an impact. Primitive though they may be, you mentioned statistics in your last communication. I disagree with using them as a measurement for our success, as they tend to be unreliably skewed, incomplete, and limited; yet I have grudgingly found they have a place. Without going into details, yes, the divorce rate has been falling slightly, along with the number of marriages. Cohabitation is still quite popular. Though the average length of a marriage is around 8 years, the divorces in older couples continues to climb. Even though these divorces are late, we may still celebrate this as a win, as it has the power to greatly affect the younger generations of the affected families. Better late than never, I believe some humans are fond of saying.

Enough about the statistics. Obviously your division has many facets to it, and not every facet is under your control. I want to reassure you that our Master knows this, and is only holding you responsible for existing families with children in the home. Rawmooth is overseeing the younger generation and working specifically to discourage marriage, to redefine it. In doing so, the hope is that we can so change its likeness from our Enemy’s original intent for marriage. We are hopeful that soon this goal will be realized. Soon, by our hard work and our Master’s will, the world will no longer see examples of our Enemy’s ridiculous sentimentality and weakness he calls love. As you are aware, there is a whole other brigade deployed to redefine that four letter word. Though we have much ground to gain, they have had tremendous success in the West recently. I must tell you, I find this particular work to be most enjoyable. It is almost entertaining, how quickly some minds are swayed. Lemmings, I believe the humans call them. Or the herd mentality, if you prefer. Whatever vernacular we use, if an idea becomes popular, we can easily sway thousands. It does not simply take a popular idea, of course, but the combination of a popular idea and demonizing the opposing side will win many. It’s rare now to encounter a deeply questioning mind and openness to another point of view. Thank the Master for that!

But I digress. Back to your specific department of families. Another specific encouragement for your division is technology. I should say the best kind of technology use. We’ve certainly seen over the last 2000 years how our Enemy has a unique and, dare I say, almost unstoppable way of using anything to his advantage, including technology, but do not fear. We have gained ground. Both parents and children are spending more time in front of their screens than ever before. Kids are disconnecting slowly but surely from other people, under the guise of “connecting with others”. A big thank-you to Anwler for birthing that idea. The parents are falling into that trap as well, though I prefer to celebrate with more vigor the victories in the younger generations. They are the ones who will shape priorities, values, laws, and the norms for the next few decades, as well as the next generation they raise up. It’s imperative we continue to pursue them as priority. To that end, since children are most influenced by their parents, it’s a joint effort toward both. Keep up the good work. Children are slowly losing the ability to think critically, to hold lengthy and vital conversation. They are developing addictions of various kinds. They are seeking to be entertained. They are depressed and anxious. You may indeed celebrate, as they are being crippled for our Enemy’s use.

As for the parents, the good news is that they are busier than ever. How easy it is to perpetually keep these humans busy for years, until the damage has been done! Schedules are too full for them to make those deadly connections with their kids. They are reporting less enjoyment of their children, and more stress, worry and strife. Teen rebellion, sex, drug use, depression and suicide is blamed on hormones or circumstances. They don’t yet understand it’s the fruit of the earlier years. Discipline is seen as outdated, cruel, or simply misunderstood, and therefore misapplied or not applied at all. There are some who consistently discipline their children well. This is certainly an issue. However, one good technique to use if you run into that particular family is to send the message to those connected that the family in question simply has “naturally good children”. This keeps the other families from questioning the methods, and keeps the poison contained. You may also play on the theme of individuality, which keeps many Western families from asking for help. Pride is always a good one. It’s humbling to their egos to admit they don’t know what to do, or that their children are running crazy.

Keep the parents busy. Keep them from enjoying their children. Keep them managing the disruptive behavior instead of addressing it. Keep the parents aimed at survival as their highest vision for the family. With luck, that can last you until the teens hit. “I’ll do it later” is a helpful one to plant. Or you may try, “We still have time.” Keep them away from vulnerability and honesty, particularly with their kids. Keep them tied up in whatever forms of twisted normalcy were given them in their youth (harshness, anger, distance, etc). Do your best to encourage those norms to continue, which carries on your predecessor’s work. Keep parents thinking that their children simply need the tangibles like a house, food, and clothes. The intangibles such as love, forgiveness, repentance, time, willingness to listen and change, are deadly to us. Keep them in the material world. When they are tired, push entertainment, distance, or strife. Remember that most people have not connected the dots about the effect of healthy families on society. With luck, good planning and execution on all our parts, they won’t.

One final word about the problem families. I know many of your troops are struggling with those who resist our general onslaught. They are aware of many of our tactics. They are aware of the battle. They are fighting back. They are deep in the Enemy’s counsel. Don’t give up hope. There are still ways to fight. Though the temptation is to lash out, we must remain subtle. It is possible to catch many in the shadows. Even the most watchful parent has their weak spots. Get to know them, and work with them. For example: I’ve had contact with a family whose mother reads the Bible, has entered counseling for her issues, is facing her demon’s influence from the past, and is eager to change. It’s okay if they read these books and take in the Enemy’s words, as long as you keep them away from change. You’ll find adults are resistant to long-term change, much more than children. This woman had just read a book which gave her tools to fight us, and she was planning and scheming on how she would put them to use. I deployed distractions through her children, busyness in the family schedule, illness, and focused on her learned patterns from childhood (one of hers was sitting back and waiting for others to do the work for her). Use the basics and combine them to deal with her energy toward change. The subtle attacks work wonders. Stay consistent. Not many will choose to declare all-out war on us for the long-term, simply because it’s difficult. You’ll find this to be true of many. “Avoidance of pain or discomfort at all costs”. ‘Tis the fruit of immaturity and idols of comfort, among other things.

Pray for our success. Anwler sends his greetings, as does Grewless and Rawmooth. Keep up the good work. Report back soon.

Draglowe

Through my life thus far, one of the things I’m grateful for is relationship with older, wiser women. As it is with many of God’s gifts, He knows what I need when I can’t even articulate it. Often I don’t even know what I need, and yet He gives me his best, even when I don’t ask for it. This is true with the few older women who have taken me under their wing for a season. They have poured into me from the richness of decades of walking with Jesus. Long before I met my husband, I was showered with jewels from the marriage treasure chest of one such woman, who had mined them in the decades of her own marriage: how important forgiveness is, some keys to a healthy sexual relationship with your husband, why respect is such a big deal, and many more. Another gift of a woman has helped me navigate significant conflict, parenting struggles, the power of prayer, and shown me what it looks like to be Jesus’ witnesses wherever we go. My mother has been one such woman as well, showing me the value of a soft heart to the Lord and perseverance through trials.

I could elaborate on these lessons for another few hours. The point I want to make is this: all the older women I have aspired to be like, who have the kind of character I want, who live imperfectly, yes, and also honorably, boldly, humbly, sacrificially, with faith, joy, love and purpose, the kind of women you want to follow around and ask them questions because good things spill out of them every time they talk to you, all those women I have had the pleasure to meet have one significant thing in common. They are women of God’s word. They have spent decades of time growing in their understanding and grasp of Scripture. I don’t mean the type of legalist who reads her Bible because “it’s the right thing to do”. To be real, they certainly have had their seasons of dryness in their walk with God. However, it’s not only habit or duty with these women. No, these women are saturated with God’s word because hearing His voice and being with him is their life and breath. They love their God, and so they spend time with Him. They want to listen to Him. They have grown to depend on Him to the point where His words are more precious to them than fine gold. Though there are multiple ways God speaks, the most clear way He does is through His words – the Bible. These sages, these wise women know this. They memorize His words. They think about them. They study them. They hear God speaking to them because they’ve spent decades listening to Him. And they don’t only listen; they obey. God’s words are their ultimate authority. I see it in their lives. When they come to a part of Scripture that really presses them the wrong way, they don’t skip past it or ignore it and move on. They don’t say, “Well, I know God’s right, but I don’t like it, so I’m doing it my own way”. No, they stay there and ask God to teach them and shape them. They bring their struggle with that particular verse or idea to God. They let God use His word to work on their hearts and change them. They have done and are doing the hard work of submitting to God when it’s hard. You see the results of this dedication over time. When they are approached by others (like me) who are lost, confused, struggling and seeking counsel, they give wise and good counsel because it’s not theirs; it’s God’s. They pass it on, because they’ve come to know how trustworthy and precious His words and truth are.

The concept is so simple: the more you spend time with someone or something, the more of an expert we are on that person or that topic. It’s how we learn. It’s how we grow. How many of us Christians are experts on our favorite topic, and fledglings in our faith? If we were to catalogue our thoughts and meditations during the day, of what or who are we becoming an expert? On what do we meditate? Who do we pursue? How do we spend our time?

At the end of the day, there is grace for us. We’ve all fallen short and used our time poorly. We can always and will always have opportunities to grow in our relationship with God our Father, Jesus, and His Holy Spirit. God knows this, too, and He extends us grace. This grace is one that both cleanses us from our unrighteousness, covers us in Jesus’ righteousness, and purifies our desires to help us change now. It’s not continual forgiveness and cleansing so we can continue in sin or poor choices. God gives us grace that transforms death to life. Romans 8:11 hit home to me years ago when I felt I was stuck in my sinful habits: “If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead lives in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.”

The power to change is not ours. It’s the Spirit of God who brought Jesus from death to life. He can easily transform any heart from apathetic, lukewarm, or flat-out rebellious to one of humility, repentance, and passionate love for God. After all, He’s the one who loves us “with a never-stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love” (Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones).

That’s what I have loved about getting to know these women. They don’t look like the world. They look like Jesus. It may take decades for us to resemble him in that way, to become a sage in the ways of God. That’s okay. Why not start now? Do we have something better to do?

This post is for mothers. Mothers, I want to encourage you. Though I do not want to elevate the role of motherhood to the highest ultimate good a woman can do (I don’t believe that’s true), I also personally know the tendency to lose sight of what we’re doing and why we are doing it, particularly if you have younger kids at home. If you have a few minutes, read on. I wish this could be a conversation together with a cozy warm beverage and a quiet, calm atmosphere. Let’s work with what we have! Pull up a chair and possibly a baby, tell the kids not to destroy the house or each other, and let’s talk 🙂

As some of you may know, I’m a stay-at-home mom. There are days when I am rejoicing in that role, and days when I question why I ever wanted to have and homeschool four children. If you could take a peek into our home, one day you might see me eagerly helping little people learn how to clean up after themselves and how to apologize after hurting someone…..then the very next day you might see me yelling in frustration at the same children because they are children and happened to spill the milk. Again. Specifically after I told them not to. Most assuredly, I am a flawed parent and a work in progress! Yet, in the rare quiet moments, when I take a step back from the busy work and consider my role in light of what’s important in this short life, I am honored and humbled to be called to such a valuable, desperately needed, hugely impactful role of raising children.

Walking through a store the other day, I noticed a sign with a quote from Mother Teresa. It said, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

Do I exaggerate? Does Mother Teresa? Is motherhood really that important? Today, for example, I heard a small, nagging voice, insisting that what I was doing by staying home with my kids was not worth my time.” It is not worth the investment of your time and energy”, says the nagging voice. “No one is noticing what you are doing. Who knows how many diapers you’ve changed? This is what your college education is going toward? By the time you’re finished with homeschooling these four kids, your youth will be gone. You should not spend the best years of your life on these kids, who aren’t even grateful for the sacrifices you’re making. Wouldn’t it be better for the world if you put your time and energy and gifts toward bigger and better things? Particularly visible things, where you get some verbal feedback and praise and notice for what you’re doing? See how much effort you put in and how no one notices, or even cares? That’s not life, my friend. Hire someone else to change the diapers and clean the kitchen for the 100,000,000th time, and get on to the really important things of life before it’s too late.”

Deep down, I know the nagging voice is lying. It’s not true. Deep down, I have great assurance from God that this role he’s given me is worth it. These young ones are going to grow up, God willing, and they need someone not just to provide for their physical needs, but to actually raise them. I get to teach them what is good and right and true and beautiful. I get to teach them how to love other people, particularly those who are different from them. I get to teach them how to learn, and how amazing it is to always be learning. They get to see me struggle, so they understand it’s normal to make mistakes and not be perfect the first time you try something new. I get to hug them, read to them, be a consistent presence to them (which is a hugely valuable gift and one they may not be able to verbalize to me until well into their adult years). I get to behold the beauty and majesty of God, and invite my children to behold Him, too. I get to bask in His beauty, and show it to them again and again. I get to teach them God’s words while they’re young. I get to show them what it looks like to depend on Jesus for my daily bread over and over (and over!) again. I get to model repentance so they understand what living in dependence on the good news of Jesus looks like. Again, when I stop to remember what God says, not the nagging voice, I see afresh that this calling of motherhood is so worth it.

As an added bonus, not only is motherhood a blessing to my kids, it’s a blessing to me! How I have been shaped and molded and tried and purified in the fires of mothering! Praise God! That’s a whole other blog post.

Mothers, parents. Listen to your Creator. Take hold of those nagging thoughts, lies, temptations, and evil whispers and douse them in the truth. When the family breaks down, society breaks down. Healthy families are one of God’s gifts of grace to the world, whether the world recognizes it or not. The call of parenting is an honorable, world-changing one. Like the sermon series our church has been going through, entitled “Upside Down Kingdom”, the ways of God and the means by which he works are often upside down from what the world thinks and values. World may say what that nagging voice tells me. “If you want to change the world, get out there and do it.” A smaller, insistent, more enduring whisper tells me what Mother Teresa says. “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

You have been appointed by God as your child/ren’s parent. Though we need to raise our kids in a community, and we all need reinforcements, there is no replacement for you. Remember what a high and holy calling motherhood is. Teach them what is good and right and true and beautiful. Teach them how to love other people, particularly those who are different from them. Teach them how to learn, and how amazing it is to always be learning. Let them see you struggle, so they understand it’s normal to make mistakes and not be perfect the first time you try something new. Hug them, read to them, be a consistent presence to them. Behold the beauty and majesty of God, and invite your children to behold Him, too. Bask in His beauty, and show it to them again and again. Memorize His words, and teach them to your children. Let them see what it looks like to depend on Jesus for your daily bread over and over (and over!) again. Model repentance so they understand how Mommy needs a Savior just as much as they do. I will never be able to do justice in my meager words to all that a mother is and does. But there is One who keeps an account, and He knows. He will reward you one day for what you have done.

Perhaps you are not a mother, but you may relate to work that appears thankless or invisible. If you are one whose daily work or calling appears menial, less important or not as valuable, to anyone whose work is not verbally recognized, rewarded, acknowledged, appreciated, or even seen by another, I want to tell you something. Your work is not hidden. What is done in secret will be known one day. One day, the upside down kingdom of God will burst through all of the dim windows through which we currently view life, and true reality will dawn upon all mankind. It will all become clear. The upside down kingdom will seem upside down no more. It will be the ultimate reality. God’s ways is what we will ALL finally understand as right and good and holy. Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. And those who have imperfectly but consistently held to God’s ways because He is their treasure will experience great reward. Though no one else sees, God sees you. He is watching. He is keeping an account. He will reward you. Keep on! Do not grow weary of doing good! Galatians 6:9 tells us that we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up. Whatever your unseen role is, do not give up. The same God who made you has died for you, risen for you, and given you His Spirit to empower you and equip you for your work. He is your vine; you are the branch. Abide in Him. And remember, the next time you’re changing a dirty diaper (again), He sees. He sees you. Keep going. A harvest is coming, if we do not give up.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Luke 12:1-3

In the meantime, when so many thousands of the people had gathered together that they were trampling one another, he began to say to his disciples first, “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.”

I love talking with my friends who are in the fire. When I hear a friend who is struggling through something hard, I want to come alongside her and help in whatever way I can. In all honesty, also, my ears perk up, and I am eager to hear from them, because I have experienced that through struggle and suffering come lessons, wisdom, intimacy with God; these nuggets of gold that can only be found in the Land of Trial.

I think of the song, “It Is Well” by Horatio Spafford. Written after a tremendously painful loss of his 4 daughters (after the death of his son and a great financial loss in the previous years), that song has been of significant encouragement to Christians who are suffering. That could not have been written unless he had gone through such devastation.

I think of a friend of mine, a wiser older woman who recently shared story after story of God saving people and being at work in her own heart: “Through this last year of trials and pain, I saw God at work in a way I simply would never have seen had I not been in the fire.”

It all sounds good until you’re in the fire yourself.

I’ve been in a pit of darkness for months now, and there’s no sign of it ending. Every day it feels much easier to give up than to keep going. Sometimes getting out of bed is the biggest victory I have to celebrate. Often I am overwhelmed by my circumstances and feelings of despair. And it just doesn’t stop.

Now what? Shall I read a few more inspirational quotes? Another devotional? More of God’s truths that I know I should believe? I’ve asked for prayer. I’ve reached out to friends. I’m reading my Bible every morning. I’m praying as I’m able to. I’m going to church and community group. I’m doing what I know to do, and the darkness just doesn’t lift. Death and isolation and brokenness and pain and deep sorrow seem to be my constant companion. I don’t understand the darkness.

Yet in my darkness, I have hope. From the pit that I have desperately been trying to escape for months, I know I am not alone, and never have been. I am more aware of God’s presence with me than I ever have been. And almost every day, I have heard God telling me, “It’s okay that you are struggling.” He’s been telling me that I need to stop trying to escape the darkness, but cling to Him in it, because He is working in my suffering.

So from the pit, I want to share something God has been putting in my heart. To my friends who I know are struggling, I hope this is encouraging to you. Here’s one of my “nuggets of gold” from the Land of Trial.

God, whatever the purpose, whatever the reason, you foresaw today and you said yes to all my circumstances. Just like you said yes to Noah’s years of building an ark in a desert among scoffing of the people around him. Like you said yes to Abraham & Sarah’s life of infertility. Like you said yes to Joseph’s years of slavery and wrongful treatment. Like you said yes to Jeremiah’s life of obedience to your word causing him persecution and suffering. Like you said yes to David’s years of being pursued by Saul intent on killing  him after you had him anointed as the new king of Israel. Like you said yes to Job’s children, household, and livelihood being wiped out in a day, followed soon by his health. Like you said yes to Lazarus dying. Like you said yes to Jesus’ suffering.

It is in our fleshly nature to focus on the suffering, to get tunnel vision on what’s painful at the time. In our tunnel vision, we tend to do two extremes: 1. seek only to escape it, to make the pain stop as soon as possible, or 2. we tend to wallow in it, focusing on how we feel, what we need, how awful it is for us. I’ve done both often in the last few months. I understand. Yet the more I read my Bible, the more God is opening my eyes to see suffering in the context of the greater story He has revealed in Scripture and is continuing to write in our lives. Sin, death, destruction, wrong, and suffering feel like they have the upper hand. However, because of Jesus perfection, life, death, and resurrection from the dead, all sin and suffering are bent to do God’s will in the life of the believer. Romans 8:28 – one of the most comforting promises of God given to us this side of heaven: “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good , for those who are called according to his purpose.” All things, friends! All evil! All suffering! All death! All wrong-doing! Consider the people referenced above. They have gone before us, their lives written down in God’s word for us. Consider their suffering, and since we have the benefit of knowing more of the story, consider also the result of their suffering. Abraham & Sarah had no idea why they couldn’t have children, why Sarah had to bear so much reproach for not being able to conceive, why they had no heir and no children to care for them in their old age. Yet now we know that God intended it. He intended Sarah to be well past menopause, physically unable to have children, with Abraham so old. God waited until it was abundantly clear that Abraham and Sarah could not have children themselves. They could not do it. God intended their circumstances and years of suffering to set up a pivotal, incredibly vital display of His glory through His story of redemption. With Abraham and Sarah’s infertility came the child of the promise: Isaac. Through Isaac shall your offspring be named. Through Isaac will come Jesus. Through Isaac will all the families of the earth be blessed. Through Isaac the Gentiles will come to believe and be saved into God’s family. None of that would have happened had not Abraham and Sarah been able to conceive by natural means. Their years of suffering and sadness were the impetus of God’s saving glory being known to the whole world.

I see it most clearly with Jesus. The ultimate worst evil, killing the perfect Son of God, was the exact way God meant to save us. It’s like God is creating the most beautiful piece of art, and every disgusting, awful, horrendous piece of garbage Satan throws at it, God takes and uses to make His piece of art look even more beautiful than we could ever have imagined. And it’s not a reaction on God’s part. God is not reacting to evil; He is orchestrating it. Satan is under God’s authority. He can do nothing without God’s permission. God is using the evil that He never brought into this world to accomplish His purpose and will, and it is glorious. He has been doing this since Genesis 3, and He will continue to do so until Jesus comes again in glory. He is doing it in my life, and He’s doing it in yours. Take heart, friend. He is using the evil in your life for your good and His glory.

Now, I want to end on the story of Lazarus. I’m sure you know it. Jesus was good friends with Lazarus and his sisters, Mary & Martha. He received word that Lazarus was sick and near death. Instead of rushing to be with him, Jesus stayed where he was a few more days. Seemingly unfeeling at the time, we know from the Word that Jesus wasn’t ignoring His friends. He was staying to ensure Lazarus had died before coming. He knew He would do something greater than healing Lazarus. He would raise him from the dead. He knew God’s glory was going to be shown and people would believe and be saved. He knew Mary and Martha would soon be rejoicing. He knew. And He stayed where He was. He let Lazarus die, because He had something better in mind.

When Jesus finally came to Lazarus’ tomb, He wept. He knew what He was about to do. He knew He had the upper hand over death. He knew tears would be turned to gladness in moments. Yet He wept. Friend, it shows no lack of faith in God as you weep through your trials and sorrows. Jesus did it. You, too, are free to weep. I am free to weep. This life is so hard, and no one knows that better than our Savior. To my church, to those of you who, like me, are in a pit and can’t see the way forward, it’s okay to weep. It’s okay to have a hard time. It’s okay to grieve. Cry with Jesus. Your tears will be turned to joy one day, but it’s still okay to cry. And a quick word to those of you who want to come alongside your grieving, struggling friends: let them cry. Cry with them. Be with them. Say nothing if you don’t know what to say. Just show up. Be present. They may not need any reminding about God’s truth at that moment. It’s not that you never share God’s truths with them, but too often we share a verse or a truth because we’re uncomfortable with their pain and don’t know how to sit with them in it, so, with good intentions, we try to rescue them from it. They may not need to be rescued from their pit. Right now, they may simply need to weep. Like Jesus wept.

Christian friends,

May I “write frankly” to you? I initially began this blog with a lengthy introduction, and 5 paragraphs later, I realized it would be more useful to speak straight. So speak straight I will. I want to talk about our intake. For this blog post’s usage, let’s define intake as what we consume on a regular basis; what we take into ourselves, either mindlessly, habitually, addictively or intentionally. We are naturally built consumers. Another word we could use is worshippers. God made us needy creatures. We need an average of 8 hours a day of sleep to function. We need food at least 3 times a day. We need water even more often and in larger quantities than we need food. Our naturally needy rhythms point us to a God who is our daily bread, our Sustainer, our Provider, the Source we are designed to depend upon. But it is not our physical intake I want to focus on. It is our spiritual intake.  What do we take in for our spiritual nourishment?

If you’re like me, you may have spent little time thinking about where your spiritual nourishment comes from. Perhaps you’ve received enough training to know you need time studying God’s words, but your quality time with God is consistently inconsistent at best. Prayer time is infrequent and short, and full of requests for your day to go better and circumstances to ease. Your time with Christian friends is okay, but it’s certainly not iron sharpening iron, striving hard to follow after Jesus together, asking hard questions and loving each other fiercely toward your Savior and those He came to save. You like the sermons you hear on Sunday, but by Tuesday, any application you wanted to carry into the week has fallen off the table. Certainly you haven’t “intentionally” strayed from God and good spiritual nourishment, you tell yourself. However, neither are you passionate for Jesus, tasting the goodness of God in your daily struggles and joys, and eager to spread the fragrance of Christ everywhere as a disciple of Jesus is commanded.

This is a serious business. Literally, not to be too dramatic, because God is perfectly clear in His word: this is life and death. We are all on a death trajectory toward eternity being punished justly for our sins, and God, not wanting anyone to perish, sent us the most wonderful gift in the world: His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him may not perish, but have eternal life. God then placed that good news in the hands of 120 followers, then gave them the Holy Spirit, and they were then equipped to fulfill their calling to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey all that Jesus has commanded them. Because they obeyed, I’m part of God’s family! So are millions of others throughout time. And God’s not done saving people! He is so patient, wanting all to know Him! We Christians have the same charge as our first-century brothers and sisters: to make disciples, to spread the beauty of Jesus everywhere. Personally, I have seen how entertainment, our cultural priorities and norms, and my sin have blended together to keep me inactive in God’s kingdom. And not just me. This seems to be a common tactic of our enemy. If he can’t win us to his kingdom, he’ll do everything he can to render us useless and impotent in the kingdom of God. Then we will do him no harm, but perhaps even do him good.

This is war, friends. We know who has won the war; we’re just fighting out the end battles until our Commander appears. How do you want to be found by Him when He appears? I guarantee that every one of you who has the Holy Spirit of God in him/her wants to be found fighting, working,  investing what God has given you for the good of His kingdom and purposes, and not your own. We will regret every time we chose entertainment over Jesus’ mission. We will regret our passivity. We will regret wasting our time focusing on making ourselves comfortable instead of being overwhelmed by the glory of God in Jesus and boldly going in His name, by His power, to tell the world the good news that Jesus came to save sinners.

Is Jesus your first love? Do you believe to your core He truly everything you need? Are you tasting and seeing that the Lord is good? As I have done, have you forgotten your God? Have you left your first love? Have you replaced him with other good, but unworthy things? If this is striking chords in your heart, and you have left your first love, and want to move from your passivity and enter the battle, first let me urge you to get on your knees right now and confess to the Lord whatever it is you have loved more than Him. Whatever has captured your time and attention and love. I would so prefer you do that rather than read the rest of what I have written. Go to Him! He loves you! Forgiveness is already yours in Christ. God already knows your heart. His conviction is truly a gift, so we may leave its clutches through the power of Jesus who has risen from the dead and defeated sin for us, SO THAT we are freed to obey God through His power! If you don’t yet hate your sin, but you want to, ask him for hatred of your sin, so you can cast it aside and cling to Him.

Then let me ask you this hard question that as a personal trainer I would ask my weight loss clients: take a look at your daily intake. Spiritually, look at what you regularly put in front of you for 1. entertainment, 2. comfort, 3. distraction, 4. mindless activity, 5. social media, 6. sustenance. What are you taking in? What is your “diet”? Another diagnostic question to ask in this current climate: how much time do you spend on your phone or in front of your computer unrelated to work each day? According to Shona Murray in her book Refresh, in 2013, women spent an average of 12 hours a week on social media alone, with an average of 150 check-ins on their phone a day. Let’s ask ourselves: what is the first thing I look at in the morning, and the last thing I do before I go to bed? Where do I spend my free time? What do I consume on a regular basis? Where do I go when I’m sad, angry, discouraged, or hurt?

Take the time to log what you are taking in. Remember, we all consume. We all worship. The question is who or what are we worshipping. I don’t mean to equate consumption and worship, but their relationship by nature is closely intertwined. You spend time and attention with who/what you worship. You will receive nourishment (whether it be poison or life) from who/what you worship.

Now look at what you’re consuming. What is it? Do you see any patterns? Any commonalities? How much, dear Christian friend, are you taking in the sustaining, life-giving wisdom and words of God? How much are you taking in worldly entertainment or wisdom, or just plain distraction? Does your spiritual diet nourish your relationship with God and help you grow in Christlike-ness, or is it malnourishing?

Whatever we take in is what will come out of us. I will have nothing good to offer anyone if I don’t soak myself in God’s word with His Spirit illuminating truths to me and changing me from my fleshly self. I won’t have God’s agenda unless I make it a practice to constantly set mine aside through regular repentance. I won’t love the people God put in front of me to love when I’m distracted by earthly pleasures or issues which have no bearing or weight in the eternal glory of God, and are not worthy of my time and attention. Simply put, you and I will miss out on living the abundant, fruit-producing, kingdom-building, disciple-making, Jesus-following life of good works God has prepared for us if we do not set aside our idols and our entertainment for the sake of Jesus’ name. He poured out his life so we could have ours. Would it not be an utter waste if we took His gift of life, paid for by His blood, and held onto it so we could build a comfortable life? No! May it never be! May we be moved to the very core of our being with the understanding that were it not for our beautiful Savior giving up everything He had, suffering God’s wrath in our place, we would be lost. Eternally lost. Dead in our sins. Alone. Without God and without hope in this world. May we remember our state without Christ, and our blood-bought sonship in Christ! May God’s love and grace overwhelm our hearts so that they overflow with gratitude and loving affection toward Him! May we begin to love what He loves and hate what He hates, so we can do good with our small breath of life we’ve been given!

I don’t want to waste one more minute. Will you join me in leaving the mud puddles for a holiday at the sea? Will you leave the foolish, momentary pleasures for the incomparably beautiful, everlasting, glorious ways of God? You don’t have the power to do so on your own. But praise be to God, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you!

He can do it. Ask Him.

 

 

Yesterday, without prior notice, God gave me a taste of what life is really about. It came through an errand with my kids.

We were at a Christian book store, picking out my six-year-old daughter’s first Bible. Having settled on the version we wanted, we were now faced with the choice of style and readership level. Pink or purple? Action or journaling edition? Easy reader or original text?

It had been a busy morning. As any mom of young kids can tell you: if you survive the gauntlet of never-ending questions, discipleship moments, melt-downs, cries for food and drink, potty stops, and everything in-between, with a long view of the future and a desire to pass along the beautiful, life-giving truths of God to your kids in every day life, it’s a miracle of the Holy Spirit of God. That does not happen naturally. (Side note to moms: what God has called you to in raising little humans takes supernatural strength from God every single day in every single mundane task in front of you. Brick by brick, decision by decision, God is using you and the world around you to form these little people. The little things you do each day, the norms you are setting, your demonstration of your relationship with God to them, are so important, and you need God’s strength moment by moment to build good into them. We will either build good or evil. It will be a mixture of both, but if you can show them day after day how Mommy isn’t perfect, but dependent on Jesus for getting out the door, for strength to discipline well, for wisdom to know how to shepherd hearts during another fight about whose car is whose, you have given them a priceless gift.)

So there we were, having faced some of the typical gauntlet of a Thursday morning errand run. My two younger boys plunked down on the ground and began paging through kids’ Bibles. I was thankful for the few moments of uninterrupted time with Grace, though I would occasionally check to see if they were ripping pages out of said Bibles. I began talking through some of the differences with her, as she would pick out Bibles that “looked nice”. Then came one of those glorious moments! Slowly, unobtrusively, in the ordinary of daily life. God used me to shepherd a little girl’s heart toward Him through His word, and blessed me in the process.

We had it narrowed down to three Bibles: a journaling edition, an easy reader (modified translation), and an Adventure Bible (Grace had approved all stylistic cover choices!). The conversation went something like this:

Grace: “Mom, how come the Bible is so small? I mean, why are the words so small?”

Me: “Well, honey, the Bible is actually 66 different books written by different men through the Holy Spirit. So the Bible is 66 books all put into one about Jesus. See? The Old Testament was written before He came, and the New Testament was written after Jesus came.”

Grace: “Oooh! So, how do I know where to go? Can I just read anywhere?”

Me: “Yes! It takes a long time to read the whole Bible. But let’s take one of your stories you know from our Bible time at home, and I’ll show you where to find it in the real Bible.”

Grace: “Okay! How about when Jesus rose from the dead?”

Me: “Yes! Great story! It’s actually in four different books: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Let’s go to John.” We go to John 20. “It starts here, Grace. ‘Now on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb early, while it was still dark.’ ”

Grace: “That sounds familiar! I know I’ve heard that before, but I probably haven’t heard all of it, I mean the way it’s written here in the Bible.”

Me: “Yes, honey. The kids’ Bibles we’ve read to you at home are written by people who have read God’s word, and then wrote a story about it for kids to understand. But look, Grace! See what we just read in John? Do you remember John, who was a disciple of Jesus? (Grace nods). Well, honey, he wrote this book. He wrote those words, sweetie! Through the Holy Spirit! And it’s been preserved for so many years, and now we’re able to read them, too!”

Grace (eyes widening): “What????”

Here’s where I lost it. I started crying. In the middle of the bookstore, with my kids around me, with strangers walking by. None of it mattered. I remembered Jesus, how he explained to the disciples on the road to Emmaus after he rose from the dead, how everything written about Him in the law, all the prophets, and all Scriptures is about Him. I remembered the persecution of the early church. I remembered the scribes who so carefully copied these accounts of Jesus and letters of Paul and others, which became the New Testament. I remembered the martyrs who died to bring us the Bible translated into the common tongue, so everyone could have access to God’s word. I remembered the attack God’s word has been under, and yet how God’s word is not bound! I saw God’s faithfulness to preserve His words so that my six-year-old daughter could read them, and come to taste and see God’s goodness to us in Jesus Christ. I saw how this moment of discipling my daughter toward Jesus was exactly what I wanted to do with my life.

I was blessed enough at 20 years old to have an older woman, Katherine, take me under her wing and meet with me regularly. Her one stipulation: that we memorize Bible verses together. This relationship is where God showed me the beauties, the never-ending riches of knowing God through Jesus by studying His word. Memorizing was simply a way to meditate on God’s word in a culture that teaches you immediate results are the only results. It also put God’s words in my heart, so I could hear Him speak to me. His truths replaced the lies I had believed. His word is alive! It cuts to the heart! It is utterly supernatural. I’m running out of words to explain the life God brought to me as I studied His words. I want to share that gift of knowing God our Father because of Jesus our Savior through His word and the power of the Holy Spirit changing our hearts.

Let me lean on another, much wiser brother in the faith who has better words than me: George Mueller. These excerpts are from an audio podcast by John Piper on http://www.desiringgod.org, entitled “George Mueller’s Strategy for Showing God”.

The question posed here is: How shall we have such happiness that enables us to let go of such earthly pleasures and passions; vain and worthless in comparison? For example: when I want to watch movies and disconnect instead of meeting with God. I want to spend Thanksgiving in the comfort of my home rather than feeding those without homes. I want to use my money to make my life more comfortable, rather than using it to buy a single mom a car, or giving to my church so the gospel of Jesus Christ can go out to all corners of the world. How shall we have such happiness that enables us to let go of such earthly, vain pleasures and passions?

George Mueller: “This happiness is to be obtained through the study of the Holy Scriptures. God has therein revealed himself unto us in the face of Jesus Christ. Happiness in God comes from seeing God in the face of Jesus Christ through the Scriptures. In them we become acquainted with the character of God. Our eyes are divinely opened to see what a lovely being God is, and this good, gracious, loving heavenly Father is ours, our portion for time and eternity.

The more we know of God, the happier we are. When we became a little acquainted with God, our true happiness commenced. The more we become acquainted with Him, the more truly happy we become. What will make us so exceedingly happy in heaven? It will be the fuller knowledge of God. 

Now in brotherly love and affection, I would give a few hints to my younger fellow believers, as to the way in which to keep up spiritual enjoyment. It is absolutely needful, in order that happiness in the Lord may continue, that Scriptures be regularly read. These are God’s appointed means for the nourishment of the inner man. Consider it, ponder over it, especially should we read through it regularly through the Scriptures consecutively, from front to front, and not pick out here and there a chapter. If we do, we remain spiritual dwarfs.

I tell you so affectionately, for the first four years after my conversion, I made no progress, because I neglected the Bible. But then I regularly read on through the whole with reference to my own heart and soul. I directly made progress. My peace and joy continued more and more. Now, I have been doing this for 47 years. I have read through the whole Bible about 100 times (he was then 71 years old). And I always find it fresh when I begin again; thus my peace and my joy have increased more and more. I saw more clearly than ever that the first and great and primary business I ought to attend to every day was to have my soul happy in the Lord. I saw the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the word of God, and the meditation on it.”

What is the food of the inner man? How do we make our souls happy in God? By primarily reading of the word of God. And not simple reading, but considering what we read, pondering over it, giving time to let God work His way in us, and applying it to our lives.

Yesterday, I got to help my daughter take a step toward making her soul happy in the Lord through the Scriptures. I am very aware that I have no power to do so. All is in the hands of God. I was simply an instrument of His in her life. But I do know this: I have experienced, tasted, and seen the goodness of God through the study of His Word. I still do. Being able to share the riches of Jesus with another human being who, yesterday, happened to be my daughter, is the main reason I’m alive, and it’s exactly what I was made to do. God help me, I will continue doing so as long as I live.

Grace picked out the journaling version of the Bible, because, as she put it:

“I want to write down what God is teaching me, and then look back later and see everything that He has done.”

Me too, sweetie. Me too.