You are the only one in this with me. You are the steady presence in front of me. Behind. And before me. I can’t see one step ahead, and I can’t see you. It’s dark. It hurts. It always hurts. Even behind my smile, my heart is bleeding. How much blood do I have left to lose? Shouldn’t I have run out by now? Why prolong the pain? What’s the point of all this? Why go on?

So many questions, so few answers. But your steady presence next to me is undeniable. I know you are here. I don’t feel you like I felt you before. I don’t see you like I saw you before. Everything has changed. My life is still chaos. Still trying to learn that I’m not in crisis. Don’t need to worry to fall asleep that I need to save her life. That old fear of her dying on my watch is done. It’s realized. She did die. She did choke. Everything I didn’t want to have happen, happened.

And you were there. You held my hand when I couldn’t stand. You opened my eyes to horrors. You sent me help from every quarter. You never left. And you allowed it. I just don’t understand you. I don’t understand any of it. We’ve talked about this before. You welcome my questions. You answer me, though you don’t give me what I want. You give me what I need. It’s what I tell my kids, but it’s harder on the receiving end. I still need faith, because your ways are beyond me. I can’t grasp them. How can you grieve deeply while working it all for good? That’s not something I can do.

Will joy ever return? Will I ever be able to sing again? To play music again? Will tears continue to be my food until you wipe them away? It’s a long time to wait. To wait for you, to wait for Mom. To wait for the others you have taken and will take before me. Is this what you meant when you said to take up your cross? Tears and groans, aches and pains, sorrow always my companion?

It’s nothing you don’t know. You know this all. More intimately than I ever will. You know abandonment. You know loss. You know death. You know injustice. You know it all. Even if I never understand, I am learning that if I have you, I have what I need. Clinging to you is like skydiving. It’s not safe. You could allow another nightmare at any point. Nothing is safe anymore. But you will never leave me alone. You will cry with me. You will walk with me. You will be with me. You will love me. You will bring me into your kingdom. And I will never want for anything else if I have you. Even if you slay me. Even if you take my husband, my kids, my friends, my house, my health, my sanity. I will trust you. Because I have nothing better. I have no one better. All I have is you. And you are enough.