You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. (John 15:16, ESV)

Though I prayed & invited Jesus into my heart, I did not choose him. He chose me. 

Jesus did not choose me so I could feed my flesh and seek after what I want. He chose me for his purpose: that I should go and bear fruit for his kingdom. I have been selfishly tending my own purposes lately. I fight against the very things God puts in my life to sanctify me. I fight against motherhood & the death to self that it is. I fight for what I think will give me rest (TV shows, sleep, pleasantly-acting kids). 

God has been clearly speaking to me, asking me to do some very specific things. I have not obeyed him, and it weighs on me. I don’t want to disobey anymore. Jesus, I want to obey you, even if it means my flesh dies. Help me through the death. I understand death hurts, and I want to kill my flesh. Please help me. 

God has told me to:

• Be in the Bible every day, whenever I get those quick quiet moments. Jesus has been faithful to me, that even with two young kids, he can use two quiet minutes to speak to me. 
• Listen to sermons while I’m busy around the house instead of putting TV shows on. This helps train my mind to be thinking of God’s purposes and dwelling on God’s word and not my own desires.
• Keep memorizing Scripture. Keep my notecards out, in the bathroom, on the kitchen counter, wherever I will see them. Work on memorizing Scripture.

My Father knows what’s best for me, and these are loving commandments from him.